Emotion regulation - Part 1 of 2: How to work with our emotions
We cannot always control when emotions show up. Feelings like stress, anxiety, or sadness can come at any time. But we can learn how to respond to them.
This is where emotion regulation comes in.
Emotion regulation is the skill of noticing, understanding, and responding to your feelings in a helpful way. It is not about ignoring emotions or letting them take over. It is about building a better relationship with what you feel.
Why getting specific is helpful
Many people use general words like:
anxious
overwhelmed
stressed
depressed
These words can help. They give us a starting point. But they do not tell the full story.
These labels are broad. They group many different experiences into one word. When we stop there, we miss important details.
Instead of just saying “I feel overwhelmed,” ask:
What does this feel like in my body?
What thoughts are coming up?
What do I feel like doing right now?
This helps you understand your emotions more clearly.
What your emotions are trying to tell you
Emotions are not random. All day, everyday, our brain is taking in information about the present moment. It then compares that information to our past experiences. After it does that, it then makes a prediction about what might happen based on what we’ve experienced in the past.
This means that these emotions are true, but not always factual, not always fully accurate
Even if the feeling is not fully accurate, it still gives useful information.
Instead of asking, “How do I get rid of this feeling?” try asking:
What is this feeling pointing to?
What do I need right now?
Does this remind me of something from before?
This shift can change how you deal with emotions. (You can learn more about how to do this with thoughts here and body sensations here).
How to start practicing emotion regulation
Emotion regulation is a skill you build over time. It starts with slowing down and paying attention.
Here are simple steps you can practice:
1. Notice the feeling
Pause and name what you feel. Sometimes this is difficult to do on your own because you don’t know what options are available to you. If this is you, consider trying the “How We Feel” app for a few weeks.
You can also download or print off this Identifying Emotions reference list and practice.
2. Get specific
Look beyond the label. Notice body sensations, thoughts, and urges.
3. Stay curious
You do not need to solve the feeling right away. Try to understand it first.
4. Choose your response
Decide what action fits your values, not just your impulse.
Why emotions can feel so strong
Sometimes emotions feel too big to handle. You might:
shut down
avoid
react quickly
This is not random. It is your brain and body doing what they were designed to do.
When something feels important or threatening, your brain uses fast systems to respond. Areas like the amygdala help detect danger and trigger emotional and body reactions before your thinking brain fully catches up. This can happen in milliseconds.
Your brain also learns from experience. When something intense, repeated, or meaningful happens, your nervous system stores patterns about it. This is called learning and conditioning.
Some of that learning is explicit, meaning you can remember the story.
Some of it is implicit, meaning your body and emotions remember, even if you do not have a clear narrative.
So when something in the present feels similar to the past, your brain can respond as if it is happening again. This is sometimes called generalization. It helps with survival, but it can also make reactions feel bigger than the current moment.
That is why your response can feel fast, strong, or hard to control.
These patterns are not flaws. They are learned survival strategies shaped by your nervous system.
And research on neuroplasticity shows that learned patterns can change over time. With repeated new experiences, practice, and support, your brain can update how it responds.
Your emotions are not problems to fix as fast as possible.
At the end of the day, emotions are information. You can also think of them as flags your body waves, asking you to pay attention attention to something.
Each emotion is your brain’s way of saying, “Given my past experiences, here is what might be happening right now.”
Sometimes that signal is subtle.
Contentment might sound like: “Things feel enough right now.”
Awe might show up as: “Something meaningful is happening.”
Other times, it points to something changing or missing.
Nostalgia: “Something precious is gone or changing.”
Sadness: “Something mattered and it’s gone.”
Sometimes emotions organize around connection.
Love: “This matters deeply.”
Compassion: “Someone, maybe me, needs support.”
And sometimes they organize around protection.
Fear: “There may be danger or loss of control.”
Anger: “Something needs to change.”
Disgust: “This isn’t safe or right for me.”
Others help you navigate your place with yourself and others.
Shame: “Who I am might not be acceptable here.”
Guilt: “I may have caused harm.”
Pride: “I did something.”
Jealousy: “I want that.”
They can help you learn about:
your needs
your habits
your past experiences
Emotion regulation is not a quick technique. It is a long-term way of relating to yourself.
Instead of asking, “How do I make this go away?”
you begin to ask, “What is this trying to tell me?”
Like any relationship, it grows with attention, patience, and practice.
Can you improve emotion regulation?
Yes. The brain can adapt over time. This is called neuroplasticity.
With practice, you can:
respond more calmly
understand yourself better
break cycles like burnout or anxiety
improve your relationships
This takes time. It also involves both your mind and your body. Sleep, movement, and stress all play a role.
Caring for our bodies
Because emotion regulation is about how we relate to the ways our emotions show up in our bodies, how we are taking care of our body each day is an essential part of emotion regulation. It’s very difficult to relate to our emotions (i.e. emotion regulation) when our basic self-care tasks are neglected. You think of your ability to emotionally regulate like a battery: if we’re taking care of our bodies, our battery is more full and we’re better able to regulate (and vice versa).
If you don’t know where to start taking care of your body, consider these four essential practices of care:
How’s my sleep? Am I getting enough quality sleep? Am I getting so much that I’m not able to do other things that are important to me?
How’s my nutrition? Is my body getting enough calories and the nutrients it needs to function well?
How’s my movement? Am I moving regularly enough where I break a sweat or get my heart rate up a few times a week?
How are my connections?
With myself: Have I had some time to think or breathe in the last week? Am I aware of what I want or need?
With others: When is the last time I talked with someone? Told someone else how I am feeling? When is the last time I felt helpful to others?
If you’re doing well on all of these, great! Proceed to Part 2!
If you’re not doing as well as you’d like, you’re not alone!
And, it means that you might benefit from taking some next steps to fill up ensure you’re body is getting what it needs to function well and be better able to emotionally regulate:
Sleep: If you’re struggling, consider these options. Or, talk with your primary care provider about whether or not it makes sense to work with a sleep specialist.
Nutrition: If you’re not getting enough to eat or if what you’re eating isn’t nourishing your body, consider talking with your primary care provider about consulting with a licensed dietician to figure out what kind of eating habits would best support your body.
Movement:
If you’re not moving enough, try this:
Set a timer for 10 minutes think about what types of movement you enjoy (walking, stretching, getting strong, dancing, wiggling, jumping, team sports, etc.).
Pick 1-3 of those and identify small ways you can start to do a bit more of that movement throughout your week.
Consider habit stacking or behavior replacement as strategies to help you with this.
As you start to do this regularly, increase the amount of time you do this so that you’re getting sweaty at least 2-3x each week.
Replace 10-30 minutes of sitting time with moving around.
If you’re getting too much movement that you’re starting to injure yourself or it’s difficult to make time for other important relationships or activities, talk with your primary care provider and/or a therapist to explore what next steps to take to realign your movement habits with the kind of life you want.
Connection:
With yourself: Working on emotion regulation requires that we are regularly taking time to check-in with ourselves.
This can be taking 5-20 minutes each day to journal. Consider these prompts:
Brain dump: what’s on my mind today? Set a timer for five minutes and write it all down.
Three things: In the last 24 hours, what is one thing I’m grateful for, one thing I enjoyed, and one way I’m proud of myself?
It can be pausing during the day and asking: What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What am I doing?
You could consider downloading the How We Feel app or the Finch app to help prompt you to pause and check-in.
With others: Just like you can build connection with yourself in small, steady steps, you can also build connection with others. In the section below, identify where you are starting and explore what options you can take given your starting point:
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Start small with low-pressure contact, like greeting a cashier, smiling at a neighbor, or making a short comment in an online group.
Consider anonymous or one-time connection, like calling a warmline, participating in a guided meditation livestream, or attending a drop-in support group where no long-term commitment is expected.
Even noticing others’ presence—sitting in a café, walking in a park, or being around people without engaging—can begin to gently reawaken the social brain.
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Send a quick text to someone you trust, even something simple like “thinking of you” or sharing a photo.
Try “parallel connection”—doing something alongside someone else without much pressure to talk (watching a show together, crafting, walking, or playing a game).
Join a structured group setting (like a class, D&D, book group, or therapy group) where connection happens around a shared activity rather than unstructured conversation.
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Practice reaching out with a clear, small ask (“Could we talk for 10 minutes?” or “Can you check in on me this week?”).
Choose one trusted person to confide in and share even a small piece of what you’re feeling.
Reconnect through shared joy, not just stress—invite someone to do something fun or meaningful, which strengthens your bond before you need to lean on it.
Consider reciprocal support—offering a listening ear as well as asking for one can strengthen trust and reduce the vulnerability of reaching out.
I think of these as the ‘unsexy’ parts of mental health—sometimes boring, daily practices that may not feel profound or influential in the moment, but as we do them over time, they fill up our battery and help us be better able to build a relationship with our emotions (rather than shutting them down, avoiding them, or being totally dictated by them).
If you are working on these, or feel you are in a good place with sleep, nutrition, movement, and connection, head over the Part 2 of this blog for next steps on learning and practicing your emotion regulation skills.
