Emotion regulation: Part 2 of 2
Most of us have a “default” way of managing emotions. We have an emotion and automatically (often without thinking) respond to it. This can sometimes feel like our personality or “who we are”.
These defaults tend to show up in three different styles of emotion regulation:
Contain & channel style: People with this default, tend to automatically holding emotions in, focus on staying composed, and use that energy to help them move forward.
Experience & express style: People with this default style tend to feel emotions fully and lett them show in the moment through talking, crying, venting, non-verbal changes, or expressing how they are feeling in some way.
Reframe & redirect style: For people with this default style, when an emotion gets activated, they tend to quickly shift perspective, find silver linings, or move quickly toward solutions.
Each style has strengths and limitations, so the goal isn’t to judge one as being better than the others. Instead, the goal is to:
Learn what your default is
Get clear on when using this default helps you meet your needs
Learning how to engage in a different style
Get clear on when you might need to use a different style, and
Practice using different styles depending on the situation and what you need
Siegel, 2024).
This framework is significantly based on the work of Daniel J. Siegel, MD, and the PDP Group in Personality and Wholeness in Therapy. In some ways the information on this webpage is an attempt to translate his theory and findings into more everyday language.
What is your style?
Ultimately, emotions give us information about what our brain thinks we need in the present based on our past experiences (learn more about this here). And throughout our lives, we tend towards one style of emotion management (or regulation) that seems to be most likely to meet our needs.
This isn’t something we actively choose, but that can feel automatic.
Knowing your default style doesn’t mean you’re pigeon-holed into this style of relating to your emotions! Instead it can give you language for where you are starting, which can help you then take next steps to develop and flex into other styles when your go-to isn’t working.
Read through the descriptions of the three styles to see if you’re able to identify ones that you might use. You likely use all three at different times, but one might feel most familiar:
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People with this style tend to:
Hold in big emotions and try to stay in control of themselves.
When you’re feeling overwhelmed, focusing on what you can do about something.
Stay calm and take time before reacting when someone upsets you.
When you have a tough moment, you usually push through and keep going without showing emotion.
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People with this style tend to:
Feel big emotions fully and show it through crying, venting, or talking about it.
Let emotions out when overwhelmed - through talking, movement, or some kind of expression.
Show how they feel or say something right away when they feel upset.
Let themselves feel it and maybe talk to someone about it when they’re trying to get through a tough moment.
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People with this style tend to:
Try to think differently about the situation and shift any big emotions they feel.
Remind themselves of different ways to look at situations when they are feeling overwhelmed.
Think through their side of a conflict or try to shift the story in their mind when someone has upset them.
Look for the silver lining or try to see the situation in a new way when they’re feeling upset.
Okay, so what?
Now that you’ve identified your potential default, ask yourself if you are having any difficulties getting what you want or need, or if you’re feeling stuck in how to live according to your values or make progress on your goals.
If that question isn’t very helpful, consider these scenarios:
If your default is Contain & Channel
You may notice it’s not working if:
You look calm on the outside but constantly feel tense, bottled up, or exhausted on the inside.
People close to you say they don’t know what you’re feeling or wish you’d open up more.
Emotions come out in bursts (snapping, sudden tears) after long stretches of holding it in.
Productivity or “staying strong” keeps winning out, but your relationships or health are getting neglected.
If your default is Experience & Express
You may notice it’s not working if:
Emotions feel like they run your day, pulling you from one reaction to the next.
People tell you they feel overwhelmed by your ever-changing emotional state.
You regret how strongly you expressed something after the fact.
You have trouble following through on goals once the initial emotional surge fades.
You feel authentic but also drained, stuck in cycles of venting without resolution.
If your default is Reframe & Redirect
You may notice it’s not working if:
You catch yourself “moving on” so fast that you skip over actually feeling what’s real.
You can’t quite name what you need, because you’ve already spun it into a positive story.
People close to you say they can’t tell when you’re struggling, or that you avoid hard conversations.
Optimism and problem-solving keep you afloat, but deeper feelings resurface later as stress, irritability, or disconnection.
You might be effective at short-term problem-solving, but in the long-term you notice you aren’t getting your needs met.
If you resonate with any of these, it could be helpful to take steps towards psychological flexibility
Psychological Flexibility
Psychological flexibility means being able to notice what patterns of thought, feeling, and action you tend to use when you’re on autopilot - your default ways of understanding and being in the world. This default has likely emerged as your way of getting your needs met in the past given your unique brain. Much of psychological suffering and mental health challenges come from trying to use our past/default ways of getting our needs met in present moment situations where the default may not be as helpful.
As you learn to notice your default, you can also learn to pause, and choose a response that moves you toward the life you want to build rather than towards your default way of meeting your needs. It doesn’t mean getting rid of your default way of thinking, feeling, and acting—in fact, your default likely reflects your strengths and lived experiences. But sometimes if we only rely on those patterns to get our needs met, they can end up getting in the way of what you truly want or need and we need to learn new ones to help us.
That’s when psychological flexibility becomes so powerful. It helps you relate to your inner world with more clarity and choice, rather than feeling stuck or reactive.
Consider the practices below to help you grow and experience more flexibility in how you manage your emotions.
Growth for the Contain & Channel default style:
People with this default style tend to hold emotions inward, stay composed under pressure, and often focus on control, productivity, or staying strong—sometimes at the cost of deeper connection with themselves and others.
This might help you stay steady and focused, and if this is your only way of managing emotions, you might sometimes feel distant from others or like you have bottled up a lot of your emotions and then they suddenly come out in an intense burst.
This pattern reflects strength, responsibility, and endurance, but it can also create emotional bottlenecks, stress-related symptoms, and disconnection from core needs or vulnerability. Consider taking these steps to increase your psychological flexibility:
1) Notice and care for the powerful thoughts or beliefs that might prevent you from using a different style.
Common ones for Contain & Channel include:
“If I show this feeling, I’ll lose control / look weak.”
“Better to stay quiet than cause trouble.”
“I must handle this on my own, or others will think less of me.”
“Expressing is unsafe or inefficient.”
“If I let myself feel this fully, I’ll be too overwhelmed to finish what needs doing.”
Consider learning more about how to understand and work with thoughts here.
2) Let go of the need to improve. Practice allowing.
Efforts to “fix” or manage emotions can actually distance you from what you're feeling.
Try this: Gently say, “I don’t need to improve this feeling; I can just allow it to be here.”
Why it can help: It activates the thinking brain’s acceptance system, signaling safety and reducing internal pressure.
3) Use small disruptions to soften control patterns.
Perfection and self-containment can become reflexive. Breaking the pattern helps shift gears.
Try this: Skip making the bed. Wear mismatched socks. Let something be “unfinished.”
Why it can help: These minor acts of imperfection remind your nervous system that you can let go without losing self-worth.
4) Say feelings out loud—especially when they’re vulnerable.
Speaking feelings helps bridge the gap between your private awareness and relational presence.
Try this: Once a day, say a feeling aloud: “I’m a little nervous” or “I’m content right now.”
Why it can help: Naming emotions builds emotional fluency and invites authentic connection.
5) Reconnect through imagination and body awareness.
When emotions feel buried or hard to access, go through the body or the memory vault.
Try this: Recall a vivid emotional moment (joy, grief, pride) and notice what sensations show up.
Why it can help: This strengthens the emotional memory-to-body circuit and builds capacity for feeling more fully.
6) Let others in intentionally (on purpose).
You may be used to giving more than receiving. Letting others support you can feel foreign and healing.
Try this: Say yes to small offers of help or care. Ask someone how you come across when you’re struggling.
Why it can help: This rebalance of give and take helps your brain rewire for interdependence, not over-responsibility.
7) Practice emotional generosity, not just emotional control.
You don’t have to “contain” your feelings to be a safe or steady presence for others.
Try this: Share your real response to someone’s story, even if it’s soft, sad, or uncertain.
Why it can help: This activates reciprocity and compassion, reminding both your brain and body that connection isn’t earned by strength alone.
Growth for the Experience & Express default style
These individuals tend to feel emotions strongly and expressively, often outwardly and in the moment. This style fosters authenticity, emotional access, and intensity, but can sometimes lead to impulsive reactions, mood-driven choices, or relational strain.
If this is your style, experiencing and expressing might help you feel deeply and stay true to yourself, and if it’s your only way of managing emotions it might feel overwhelming at times to you and/or to others.
1) Notice and care for the powerful thoughts or beliefs that might prevent you from using a different style.
Common ones for Experience & Express include:
“If I don’t say it now, I’ll be powerless / no one will know what I feel.”
“Holding it in feels like betrayal to myself.”
“I need to express so I don’t explode later.”
“If I hide or soften this, I’m not being authentic.”
“Others won’t understand unless I show it fully.”
Consider learning more about how to understand and work with thoughts here.
2) Create space between feeling and action.
Strong emotions often feel urgent—but they don’t always require immediate action.
Try this: Pause, count to 10, and take a slow breath before responding.
Why it can help: It allows your thinking brain to catch up with your emotional brain, helping you act in alignment with your values—not just the moment.
3) Let feelings inform you, not run you.
Your emotions carry wisdom, but they don’t always reflect all the important facts in a situation.
Try this: Ask, “What is this feeling trying to tell me, and what else might be true?”
Why it can help: This promotes emotion regulation and flexibility while still honoring what you feel.
4) Practice emotional follow-through.
It’s easy to start something when the feeling is strong. Growth comes in showing up even when it fades.
Try this: Fulfill a commitment you made yesterday, even if you don’t “feel like it” today.
Why it can help: Strengthens emotional consistency, which helps build self-trust and reliability.
5) Recenter your energy in your body.
Strong emotions can pull you into your head or out into reaction. The body can anchor you.
Try this: Put a hand on your belly. Feel your feet. Move or stretch for 5 minutes.
Why it can help: Activates bottom-up calming systems and brings awareness back to the present.
6) Channel intensity toward clarity, not blame (of self or others).
Big emotions like anger can fuel change. Let them sharpen focus, not weaponize your words to yourself or others.
Try this: When angry, ask: “What boundary or value of mine is being threatened?”
Why it can help: Reframes anger as a signal for protection, not destruction.
7) Build self-kindness into your routine.
You may have deep empathy for others, but turn judgment inward during emotional swings.
Try this: Make a short daily list: “What I did well today” or “One small kindness I gave myself.”
Why it can help: Rewires your self-talk toward compassion and steadiness.
Growth for the Reframe & Redirect default style
People who default to this style tend to cope by shifting focus away from distress or discomfort, often through optimism, problem-solving, or caretaking, rather than sitting with or working through the underlying emotional experience.
Reframing the thoughts about your emotions and redirecting your emotion energy might help you bounce back and stay positive, and you might skip over emotions too quickly and not fully understand what you need (and not be able to communicate that well to others).
These steps are designed to support more embodied, integrated emotional processing:
1) Notice and care for the powerful thoughts or beliefs that might prevent you from using a different style.
Common ones for Reframe & Redirect include:
“It’s better to fix my thoughts than stay stuck in feeling.”
“If I let myself feel, I might get stuck or spiral.”
“Positive thinking / perspective shift will protect me.”
“There’s no point in staying with uncomfortable emotion longer than needed.”
“My feelings are less helpful than changing the story / moving on.”
Consider learning more about how to understand and work with thoughts here.
2) Pause before reframing, and stay with the primary feeling for a few moments.
Your strength is finding the silver lining. Growth means allowing the full emotional experience before reframing it.
Try this: Ask, “What am I feeling underneath my instinct to move on?” and name the emotion.
Why it can help: Strengthens your tolerance for discomfort and builds emotional flexibility.
3) Practice embodied presence with emotion.
Redirecting attention to solutions or others’ needs can bypass your own body’s cues.
Try this: When you feel unsettled, place a hand on your chest or belly and ask, “What sensation is here?”
Why it can help: Builds awareness of your own internal state, helps you become grounded, and from that place more able to make choices fully informed by the information your emotions are sharing with you.
4) Let yourself receive care without earning it.
You may default to giving or fixing. Try practicing vulnerability instead.
Try this: Let someone support you fully without offering anything in return.
Why it can help: Helps your brain remember that your worth doesn’t have to be granted through meeting certain conditions, but rather it can be experienced through relational openness and mutual care.
5) Take responsibility rather than bypassing conflict.
When things feel tense, your reflex might be to smooth things over or reframe. Instead, lean in.
Try this: Ask yourself, “What might I be avoiding by rushing to resolve?”
Why it can help: Builds trust in yourself and others by facing (not escaping) what’s hard. Doing this can help your brain realize that though it’s uncomfortable, you can survive it and continue to do it in the future, which is especially important if you need to tolerate discomfort in order to reach your goals or live out your values.
6) Ask directly for what you need.
Your ability to focus on others can obscure your own needs.
Try this: Once a day, practice saying out loud, “Here’s what I need right now.”
Why it can help: Strengthens self-advocacy and reinforces that your needs are valid without needing to justify them.
Practicing psychological flexibility
The most important part of emotion regulation is developing the ability to be flexible, shift your style of emotion regulation depending on the situation. This is a skill you build over time, and the first way to try is it during low-stakes moments (like mild frustration or everyday stress) practice trying a different regulation style than your default. That way, when the high-stakes moments hit, your brain already knows the moves.
A simple three-step practice is:
Pause. Notice your emotion and your default response.
Breathe. Create a little space between feeling and action.
Experiment. Try out a non-default strategy and see what new information it gives you.
Here’s what this could look like for each style:
Contain & Channel (default: hold it in, stay composed, push forward)
Pause: You notice irritation rising when a coworker interrupts you. Your default is to stay quiet, keep composed, and let them finish their thought.
Breathe: Take one slow breath instead of tightening up.
Experiment:
Try expressing: Calmly say, “I’d like to finish my thought” and notice how naming the feeling shifts the interaction.
Try reframing: Ask yourself, “Are they being rude, or just excited to share their idea?” This perspective shift can soften the irritation and keep you engaged.
Experience & Express (default: feel fully, show emotions right away)
Pause: You feel a flash of disappointment when your partner cancels dinner plans. Your default is to vent or show your sadness immediately.
Breathe: Count to five before responding.
Experiment:
Try containing/channeling: Hold the feeling and use that energy to take care of yourself—plan a nourishing meal or go for a walk. Notice how it steadies you.
Try reframing: Ask, “What else might be true? Could they be tired, not rejecting me?” This helps you balance the sadness with perspective.
Reframe & Redirect (default: shift perspective, find silver lining, move on)
Pause: You feel nervous before a presentation. Your default is to pep-talk yourself (“It’ll be fine, I’ll just push through”).
Breathe: Place one hand on your chest to ground your body.
Experiment:
Try experiencing/expressing: Name the feeling directly, “I’m anxious because this matters to me”—and allow yourself to take a few deep breaths with that truth.
Try containing/channeling: Use the anxious energy as fuel to rehearse one last time or double-check your notes. Notice how channeling the energy gives you focus and steadiness.
If these steps feel too difficult or you believe they won’t help you, it is probably worth exploring the powerful thoughts and beliefs you have about your default style of emotion regulation. This two-part blog post is all about how to do that and I encourage you to check it out.
Final Thoughts
Emotion regulation isn’t about perfection or “fixing” your feelings; it’s about learning to work with them.
When you take care of your body and learn the skills to respond to emotions with flexibility, you give yourself more options for living out your values and creating a life you are proud of.
Like any skill, it takes repetition.
With daily practice, even in small ways, you’ll strengthen your capacity to meet emotions as they come, without being swept away or shut down. In time, you’ll find yourself more resilient, more connected, and more at home in your own life.
