Part 3: How to Work With Shame
Much of this framework is informed by the work of Janina Fischer.
If you’re short on time, scroll to the bottom and check out the TL;DR.
First: You don’t “break” or “cure” shame all at once
If you’ve ever tried to think your way out of shame, you’ve probably noticed that it doesn’t work very well. That’s not because you’re doing it wrong; it’s because shame isn’t just a thought: It’s a full-body survival state.
Because it so thoroughly hijacks our thinking brain, the goal isn’t:
to eliminate shame
to overpower it
or to never feel it again
The goal is:
To notice it
To pause our default response to it, which is to let it dictate our reality, and
To relate to it differently so it stops shutting everything down
Below are some different strategies you can experiment with when you feel engulfed or paralyzed by shame:
Strategy 1: Notice shame instead of becoming it
When shame shows up, it pulls you inside it.
Instead of: “I’m the problem” or “I’m failing,” you could try: “I notice shame showing up.” “Something just changed in my body.”
This creates a tiny bit of space between you and the experience, and that tiny bit of distance between you and the experience you’re having can be very helpful.
Strategy 2: Slow it down (a lot)
Shame moves fast. Healing does not. When your brain activates shame, your body and brain might to:
collapse
react
get out
Instead of trying to fix it, try slowing things down:
pause
take one breath
notice one sensation
stay with it for a few seconds
You’re not trying to solve it. You’re trying to not get swept away by it.
As you slow down you could also gently separate out all the things shame has blended together:
What am I thinking?
What do I feel in my body?
What emotions are here?
What do I have the urge to do?
Even simple distinctions help:
“This feels tight in my chest”
“This is a thought that I’m failing”
Strategy 3: Get curious about the experience
Curiosity is one of the most powerful tools you have. Curiosity is powerful because it can help your brain and body shift out of threat mode and into a state where new information can be processed.
Shame thrives on certainty, rigidity, and quick conclusions like “I am the problem,” but curiosity interrupts that by introducing openness and flexibility and doesn’t require you to immediately prove anything wrong. When you get curious (e.g., “What’s happening in my body right now?” or “What is this trying to do for me?”), you create just enough space to observe instead of react, which softens the intensity of the state, reduces self-attack, and allows your brain to update rather than repeat the same loop.
When you notice something in your body or brain suddenly changing, rather than ask yourself “Why am I like this?” you could try one of these:
“What is happening in my body right now?”
“Where do I feel this?”
“What is this trying to get me to do?”
And, if it’s hard to detect at first, you could check-in with yourself to see if you’re feeling any of these urges:
hide
stop talking
give up
attack
leave
Strategy 4: Treat shame thoughts as ideas you’ve learned
Shame thoughts feel like facts:
“I’m worthless”
“I can’t do this”
But neuroscience tells us that it is more accurate to understand shame thoughts as ideas your brain created to help you survive (more about that later).
This doesn’t mean you have to argue with them. When you’re starting to practice this, you could try saying:
“That’s a familiar thought”
“That’s something my brain learned”
“How did that belief help me at some point?”
This can start to help you see the world beyond the shame bubble or shame shield.
Strategy 5: Work with your body
Because shame is powerfully experienced in your body, sometimes it might be helpful to start noticing and responding differently to the body sensations that come with shame. When you notice those sensations, rather than letting them deepen and determine reality, you could try small, gentle changes:
lift your head slightly
lengthen your spine
press your feet into the ground
place a hand where you feel the sensation
You’re not trying to “fix” your body. You’re experimenting with giving it a different signal: “The present moment is safe-enough that I can be in my body differently.”
Strategy 6: Notice what alleviates shame vs. what deepens it
Some thoughts and actions deepen shame:
harsh self-talk
pushing yourself aggressively
withdrawing completely
replaying mistakes
Other responses can be more resourcing. This is like giving yourself different steps you can take, one by one, out of the depths of change. Resourcing responses can include:
slowing down
naming what’s happening
staying present
softening your tone toward yourself
You might ask: “Does this make me feel better or worse?” If it makes you feel worse, you could start to see those shame-deepening thoughts like hot potatoes that you drop rather than keep holding onto tightly.
Strategy 7: Work with “parts” of you
Often, shame isn’t just one thing. There may be a part of you that feels small and exposed and another part that attacks and judges.
When a shame state takes over, it can feel like you’re stuck inside an argument between these parts. Instead of becoming either one, try noticing: “There’s a part of me that feels ashamed” and “There’s another part criticizing it.”
And there is usually another part of you that is still going on with life. Our “going on with life” part that can notice, breathe, and choose what to do next, even if it feels faint. You can support that part by intentionally bringing in small qualities like:
curiosity (“What’s happening in my body right now?”),
compassion (“This is really hard”),
calm (slowing your breath or pausing), or
perspective (“This feels true, but it might not be the whole story”)
courage (doing one small thing anyway, like staying present for a few more seconds or saying something you’d usually hold back)
You don’t need to do this perfectly or feel it strongly. Just adding a little bit of one of these qualities can help you step slightly out of the shame spiral and relate to what’s happening, rather than being completely pulled into it.
Strategy 8: Understand what shame is trying to do
This is one of the most important things to work on with shame. Even though shame feels painful, it has a purpose: it’s trying to protect you from rejection, prevent exposure, reduce risk, and keep you connected.
The challenge is that when you’re in shame, it’s hard to access that understanding. So instead of asking yourself one big question, it can help to walk through it step by step:
Start by grounding in the present moment: “Something just shifted—this might be shame.”
Then notice what the shame is pushing you to do: Do you want to hide, go quiet, agree, apologize, leave, or attack? That urge is a clue.
Next, gently ask: “If I followed this urge, what would it protect me from?” For example, “If I stay quiet, maybe I won’t be judged” or “If I criticize myself first, maybe no one else will.”
Then take it one step further: “When would this have made sense in my life?” You don’t need a perfect answer—just noticing that there was a context where this strategy helped can soften the intensity.
Finally, come back to the present and add a small amount of choice: “Do I need this level of protection right now, or is there a slightly different way I could respond?”
The goal isn’t to get rid of the shame, but to understand what it’s trying to do so you’re no longer automatically driven by it.
Working with shame in therapy
Shame is relational, so healing it can often be helped by a relational component, which is where therapy or trusting relationships come in. And, relational experiences are often very painful when we have a lot of shame! Shame makes you want to hide the very things that need to be seen.
So working with shame in therapy often looks like:
saying the thing you almost didn’t say
naming “I feel stupid saying this”
noticing when you want to shut down
sharing when you feel judged or exposed
Not all at once. Not perfectly. But gradually, in moments.
Over time, this can help your brain have a new experience with vulnerability: being seen without being rejected
And that’s what starts to change the pattern.
What shame actually needs
Shame doesn’t respond well to force or criticism. What it often needs is:
understanding
safety
patience
less internal attack
The more we give it some of those things, eventually the shame bubble can dissipate or the shield can go down and we can have:
more choice
more flexibility
more space to exist without taking over
A final thought
If shame shows up right when you’re about to grow, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means: You’re getting close to something that once wasn’t safe, and something in you is trying to protect you the only way it knows how.
Where to start
You don’t need to do all of this at once. In fact, most change doesn’t happen in big, dramatic shifts; it happens in small moments where something goes slightly differently than it usually does.
It might look like noticing, “this might be shame” instead of automatically believing that you are worthless or you hate yourself. It might be taking one breath instead of shutting down, softening one thought instead of escalating it, or staying present for a few seconds longer before reacting.
Those actions can feel insignificant in the moment, and repeating them over time has a compounding effect that helps your brain learn that something new is possible.
The shame might still show up. We need it to in many ways! At the end of the day, shame is information and energy our brain and body give us to respond to the world. And, as you do this work, you can start to see how the shame bubble doesn’t engulf you in quite the same way. You start to have a little more space, a little more flexibility, a little more choice.
And that’s really the goal: Not to eliminate shame, but to no longer be completely run by it.
TL;DR
You don’t get rid of shame all at once, you learn to relate to it differently
Shame is a full-body survival state, so you can’t think your way out of it
The first step is noticing it instead of becoming it (e.g., “I notice shame showing up”)
Slowing things down helps prevent you from getting swept into the reaction
Curiosity helps you understand what’s happening (e.g., “What is this feeling in my body?” “What is this trying to get me to do?”)
Shame thoughts are learned patterns, not facts (e.g., “This is a familiar belief my brain learned”)
Working with your body is important, small shifts like posture, breathing, or grounding can interrupt the loop
Some responses deepen shame (harsh self-talk, pushing, withdrawing), while others help (slowing down, naming it, staying present)
Separating thoughts, body sensations, and emotions creates space and choice
Shame often involves different “parts” (a shame part and a critical part), and noticing them helps you step out of the cycle
Shame is trying to protect you from rejection, exposure, or harm, even if it doesn’t feel helpful now
In therapy, working with shame means slowly sharing what feels hardest to say and noticing when you want to hide
Shame heals in safe relationships where you can be seen without being rejected
If shame shows up when you’re trying to grow, it doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means your system is trying to protect you
You can start small: notice it, take one breath, soften one thought, and stay present a little longer
