Part 3: How to work with shame

Apr 14

Much of this framework is informed by the work of Janina Fischer.

A different starting point

If you are looking for a quick way to get rid of shame, something you can identify and leave behind, this approach may feel unsatisfying.

It does not offer a cure in the usual sense.

Instead, it begins with a simpler idea:
shame is not just a distortion to fix, but a state to understand.

This leads to a harder question:

What if the goal is not to eliminate shame, but to stay in relationship with it without being taken over?

Why shame resists logic

If you have tried to reason your way out of shame, you have likely seen that it does not respond.

This is not a failure of discipline.

Shame is not only cognitive. It is:

Embodied
Immediate
Totalizing

It reshapes how you see yourself and the world. It narrows what feels possible. It presents its conclusions as facts.

In that state, the mind does not feel open.

It feels like a courtroom where the verdict is already decided.

The shift: from control to interruption

The work is not about overpowering shame or erasing it.

It is about interrupting its sense of total certainty.

A useful question becomes:

How do I create even a small amount of distance from this experience?

Step 1: Use curiosity instead of argument

Strategy: When you feel your body moving into a shame state, try getting curious, “I notice changes happening within me; what’s going on.”

Shame speaks in certainty:

“I am not enough.”
“I am failing.”

Curiosity does not fight these thoughts. It steps around them.

Ask:

What is happening in my body right now?
Where do I feel this?
What is this state pushing me to do?

You do not need answers right away.

The goal is not to solve. It is to start to see the experience rather than be totally overtaken by it.

Step 2: Slow the momentum of shame

Strategy: When you feel your body moving into a shame state, try pausing and describing what you’re noticing inside of you.

Shame moves fast.

It pushes toward:

Withdrawal
Self-attack
Urgent action

Instead of arguing with the content, focus on the pace.

Try:

Pausing for one breath
Noticing a sensation in your body
Staying with that sensation slightly longer than feels comfortable

These are small actions, but they interrupt momentum.

They break the experience into parts:

Thoughts
Sensations
Impulses

And when we start to see the separate components of a shame-state, we are less likely to get overwhelmed by its totality.

Step 3: Notice & surf the urge to merge

Strategy: When you feel your body moving into a shame state, try saying, “I notice shame is present.”

“I am the problem” collapses you into shame.

“I notice shame is present” creates space.

That small change introduces the possibility that:

You are not the same as the experience
There is an observing part of you still available

You don’t need to believe it immediately. Try it out a few times and just notice how your brain and body respond.

Step 4: Work with the body, not just the mind

Strategy: When you feel your body moving into a shame state, try shifting your body in small ways and then noticing what happens.

Shame is physical.

It shows up as:

Collapsing posture
Tightness in the chest
Urges to shrink or disappear

These are not side effects. They are part of the state.

When you notice your body moving into that state, try to change your body in a small way that is the opposite of what the shame-state is moving you towards:

Lift your head slightly
Lengthen your spine
Press your feet into the ground

Try not to think of it as “My body’s response is wrong, and I must correct it.” Your body is doing what it found helpful in the past, it just needs some updating.

Making a small change your body can help it remember that you’re in a new experience in the present.

Step 5: Reframe shame as learned, not absolute

Strategy: When you feel your body moving into a shame state, try separating the past from the present, “This helped me survive in the past, and now I can choose this strategy or decide on a different one.”

Shame feels true.

But many of its beliefs are learned responses to earlier experiences.

Instead of “this is true,” try:

“This is familiar.”

Then, either in the moment or later on, ask yourself:

When might this belief have been necessary in the past?
What did it protect me from in the past?
How did it help me in the past?

This does not remove shame immediately.

But it places it in context.

It can help you see it as a learned pattern, not a final judgment on yourself.

Step 6: Notice what makes shame stronger or weaker

Strategy: As you notice your shame-states, and try different things, you might learn that some strategies increase your sense of shame and others don’t.

Some responses deepen shame:

Harsh self-criticism
Urgency
Withdrawal

Others begin to loosen it:

Slowing down
Naming the experience
Telling someone you’re struggling

After you’ve had a shame-state experience and moved out of it, take some time to reflect:

What happened immediately after I believed that shame-thought fully? What happened a few hours later?
What happened immediately after I noticed the shame-thought? What happened a few hours later?

When you’re in a shame-state, you could notice if you’re engaging in something that typically makes the shame increase and then try dropping it like a potato that’s too hot to keep holding (it sounds silly right now, but can be a very helpful metaphor in the moment!).

For the things that seemed to decrease shame, try to do them more often when you’re in a shame-state.

Step 7: Recognize the different “parts” within shame

Strategy: As you notice your shame-states, and try seeing the different “parts” or “voices” that make up the shame-state experience.

Shame is rarely one voice.

Often there are multiple parts:

One that feels small or exposed
One that criticizes or attacks
One that observes

Naming these parts helps you see that no single voice defines you.

It also creates choice:

Which part do I want to provide kindness and care, but not let dictate me?

These parts often include:

The inner critic
Perfectionism, overly controlling
Avoiding, numbing
People-pleasing/harmonizing at the expense of yourself
Defend/justify in a reactive, rigid way
Minimizer who downplays needs, pain or desires

Which part do I want to strengthen because it’s helping decrease the shame in a caring, courageous way?

These parts often include:

Compassionate observer: “Something painful is happening right now”
Gentle truth-teller that names experiences effectively: “This didn’t go how how I hoped, which is painful and I can get through it.”
Courage: “We can do this even while feeling this pain.”
Boundary-setter that protects time, energy, and values without over-explaining or demanding others to change: “This is what I will/won’t do”
Self-kindness part that offers warmth and understanding: “Of course this hurts!”
Values-oriented part that reminds you what matters beyond the immediate moment: “Who do I want to be here? What is a step I can take that I’ll be proud of later?”

Step 8: Understand the protective role of shame

Strategy: As you notice your shame-states, and try remembering what shame has protected you from in the past and see if you can protect yourself in a different way in the present.

It can be difficult to accept that shame often has a purpose.

It tries to:

Avoid rejection
Prevent judgment
Maintain connection

In that sense, it is not only painful. It is also protective.

The problem is not that it exists.
The problem is that it operates too broadly.

Ask:

Do I need this level of protection right now?
Is there another way to stay connected or get my needs met without shutting down or submitting?

Step 9: Work with shame in relationship

Strategy: Talk about your experiences of being in a shame-state with other people who are safe-enough (safe-enough doesn’t mean perfect, it means people who can acknowledge when they might mess up or miss you).

Shame is shaped in relationship.

It is also healed in relationship.

But there is tension here.

The part of you that most needs to be seen is often the part that wants to hide.

So the work may look like:

Naming what feels hard to say
Sharing at the edges of what feels safe
Staying present instead of withdrawing

Not as performance.

As practice.

What this work leads to

Working with shame is not about removing it.

It is about changing your relationship to it.

The can look like:

From identifying with it (“This is true about me,”) to observing it, (“I am having a belief about myself that’s powerful.”)
From reacting to it immediately to slowly changing your response to it.
From isolating yourself during it to staying connected with yourself and others even as you’re experiencing it.

FAQ

Can shame be eliminated completely?

Not usually. Nor do we want to. Shame can be helpful in some contexts because it can give us information when what we’re doing might not help us experience belonging or connect with others. This approach focuses on changing your relationship to shame rather than removing it entirely.

Why does shame feel so overwhelming?

Because it is embodied and affects perception, not just thoughts. It engages the nervous system and creates a sense of certainty with the intent to protect the self.

What helps in the moment of shame?

Pause, notice body sensations, and create small distance by naming the experience instead of merging with it.

Is shame always negative?

Not entirely. It often develops as a protective response, even if it becomes too strong or outdated over time.

TL;DR

You don’t get rid of shame all at once, you learn to relate to it differently
Shame is a full-body survival state, so you can’t think your way out of it
The first step is noticing it instead of becoming it (e.g., “I notice shame showing up”)
Slowing things down helps prevent you from getting swept into the reaction
Curiosity helps you understand what’s happening (e.g., “What is this feeling in my body?” “What is this trying to get me to do?”)
Shame thoughts are learned patterns, not facts (e.g., “This is a familiar belief my brain learned”)
Working with your body is important, small shifts like posture, breathing, or grounding can interrupt the loop
Some responses deepen shame (harsh self-talk, pushing, withdrawing), while others help (slowing down, naming it, staying present)
Separating thoughts, body sensations, and emotions creates space and choice
Shame often involves different “parts” (a shame part and a critical part), and noticing them helps you step out of the cycle
Shame is trying to protect you from rejection, exposure, or harm, even if it doesn’t feel helpful now
In therapy, working with shame means slowly sharing what feels hardest to say and noticing when you want to hide
Shame heals in safe relationships where you can be seen without being rejected
If shame shows up when you’re trying to grow, it doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means your system is trying to protect you
You can start small: notice it, take one breath, soften one thought, and stay present a little longer

Leah Challberg