Thinking about experiential avoidance - the “feel-better” reflex
Most of us want to feel better when something feels bad. Our very human brains are wired to automatically look for and act on ways to escape discomfort and increase relief. If our brain is a forest, it’s a cleared out path that it immediately wants us to take.
For the most part, these strategies help. And sometimes these same strategies can keep us stuck, especially when what we’re trying to escape is happening inside of us, like thoughts, feelings, memories, or body sensations.
This is what therapists call experiential avoidance. In my work I have found that the term itself can feel off-putting or even inaccurate.
Most of us don’t feel like we’re intentionally “avoiding” anything.
What therapists label avoidance often seems like a logical way to try and cope.
Or sometimes it feels like a label for something that we’re not aware of happening within us at all.
The “feel-better” reflex or "the fix-it-now" impulse
To most of us, we experience it as the “feel-better” reflex. We could also call it the “fix-it-now” impulse, “the stop feeling bad” urge, or “the immediate need to feel better or less bad”. And, all of those are a little more clunky than avoidance (which is likely why therapists use avoidance instead).
What we call it might be less important than figuring out how to detect it in ourselves and begin to work with it rather than let it continue to “drive the bus” or “call the shots” on the decisions we make in our lives.
This very subtle reflex can take many forms. And, as you’ll notice, some of these might be very helpful coping strategies! It all depends on your values, goals, timing, and context. I tell my clients all the time that every therapy skill can be used as a coping or an avoidance strategy - it just depends.
So, as I share these examples, remember: their inclusion on this list does not automatically mean that it is bad. It just means that it could be helpful or unhelpful to you - depending on your values, goals, timing, and context.
Common examples of experiential avoidance (“the feel-better reflex”):
As Steven C. Hayes says in “Get Out of Your Life and Into Your Mind”, some kinds of experiential avoidance can be incredibly subtle and hard to detect at first - kind of like breathing. Most of the time, we don’t even notice we’re doing it. Whether or not we notice, it just happens automatically.
And whether we notice it or not, it still influences how we experience ourselves, others, and our worlds. It also plays an important role in helping us decide how to act. When we are automatically acting on experiential avoidance - the “feel-better” reflex - there are sometimes short-term benefits and long-term costs to those actions.
The possible costs of always acting on the “feel-better" reflex”
Remember, experiential avoidance or the “feel-better reflex” is not inherently bad!
Depending on your values, goals, context, and timing, some of these behaviors might be quite helpful ways to cope or grow. And, all of them likely helped you get you where you are today.
If you’re not clear about whether or not you’re engaging in experiential avoidance, or if what you’re doing are helpful ways to cope, it can help to look at the outcome of what you’re doing.
Here is an example with cognitive avoidance (mentally turning away from thoughts, feelings, or memories):
Example: After a tense conversation with a friend, you catch yourself replaying the moment and listing all the reasons your reaction “made sense.” While those thoughts feel true, they’re really a way to lessen the sting of shame, sadness, or fear. When you pause and simply notice, “I’m feeling hurt, and that feeling can just be here,” the urge to overthink eases, and the moment feels lighter.
When you don’t pause to notice what you’re feeling, the rumination keeps looping. Instead of letting the moment pass, your brain keeps rehearsing the story, trying to “fix” the uncomfortable feeling or to “feel-better”.
Over time, this can result in these outcomes:
Make the emotion stickier, not smaller, because you never give it space to run its course. This can result in the rumination continuing to take up a lot of time, energy, and attention as it tries, unsuccessfully, to make the emotion “go away” (i.e. help you feel better).
Increase stress and self-doubt. As you question what you said or did again and again, which can start to loop into higher intensity thoughts like, “Maybe I’m not a good friend” or “They must be toxic”
Strain relationships. Not acknowledging the hurt can prevent you from communicating openly about what you need or engaging in constructive conflict or repair. Leaving it unresolved might mean you’re more withdrawn or reactive the next time you interact with that person.
Reinforce the thought, “Feeling hurt is too intolerable; I can’t handle feeling hurt.” This inadvertently results in your brain seeing future discomfort as even less tolerable, compelling you to avoid it more. After awhile, you might avoid anything that could cause hurt, but this might result in not having many or any relationships with others.
But feeling hurt IS intolerable!
You might be thinking, “Well, feeling hurt IS too intolerable. I really cannot handle it.”
If you’re having those thoughts, you’re not alone! And it might be helpful to consider a few things:
It is valid to feel distressed and even nervous or afraid when you experience extremely unpleasant emotions. The body sensations activated by those neurochemicals are often unpleasant by design because they are trying to compel you to do something to get a need met. You can learn more about that here.
For example, anger is activated when our autopilot brain detects that something needs to change. And the body sensations that come with anger are powerful and uncomfortable because our brain is trying to give us the energy and motivation to make a change.
While it might feel very true that the emotion you’re experiencing is intolerable or that you can’t handle it, as gently as I can say this, it is not factual. Here is why:
You have handled it before. Every emotion you’ve ever felt—including the ones you thought you couldn’t survive—you did survive. The fact that you’re here now is proof that your system is capable, even when it feels impossible.
Feelings aren’t permanent. Emotions are neurochemicals activated to help us meet a need.
When our brain activates them, they are felt, they intensify to a peak, and then they decrease as we either get the need met or our brain realizes that we can survive with the need unmet. What feels intolerable in the moment almost always lessens.
And if we can learn to unclench and allow the emotion to wash over us like a wave rather than subtly acting on the “feel-better reflex” it can often result in the intensity decreasing faster than we might expect.
“Intolerable” is a powerful thought, and it is not a fact. When your nervous system is activated, your brain interprets discomfort as danger. That feels true, but it isn’t the same as being unsafe.
Our nervous systems were built to experience distress. Emotions and the body sensations that come with them are part of how humans are wired to respond to life. At its most essential core, our nervous system isn’t actually “bothered” by emotions and body sensations - even though we have lots of labels for our emotions, to our nervous system, emotions are more like a sneeze or the sensation of cold after a popsicle. They are a part of how our human bodies navigate our worlds.
This also means that our nervous systems know how to recover from distress - it’s a significant part of its job!
Avoidance contributes to making emotions emotions feel intolerable. The more you try to push feelings away, the more your brain “learns” they’re unmanageable and you start to believe that you can’t handle them, even though that isn’t factual. Pausing and allowing them to be there starts to build evidence for the truth: you can handle this.
Discomfort has a purpose. It is important to note that this is not a skill designed to ignore, suppress, or get rid of discomfort. Our discomfort is important activation from our autopilot brain that we want to listen to and understand. Rather the goal is to help us be more intentional about how we relate to discomfort rather than having our actions be dictated by it.
If you’re new to allowing yourself to feel emotions, your thoughts, emotions, and sensations may feel particularly intense or intolerable the first few times you try to surf the “feel-better reflex” and allow yourself to experience your pain. This often happens because of two things:
Backlog of activation: You may have a backlog of activation built up from ignoring or suppressing emotions in the past. Our brain activates neurochemicals to help us understand our needs, and if those needs aren’t met, the neurochemicals can persist until we allow ourselves to fully feel the emotions or engage in activities that complete the stress response cycle.
Fear of overwhelm: Your brain may not yet trust that you can experience intense emotions without being overwhelmed or reacting in ways you don’t want to. Allowing these emotions to be present can be scary, triggering the fear or stress response system. But taking this leap of faith and practicing Experiential Willingness helps your brain learn that you can handle these emotions and that they won’t last forever. The more that you practice this and the more that your brain learns to trust this, the general intensity of these emotions may decrease.
Intention vs. automation
Experiential avoidance or acting on the “feel-better” reflex can get in our way NOT because it exists, but rather because of our impulse to automatically act on it instead of mindfully/intentionally deciding to act on it.
The goal isn’t to make the reflex go away. Sometimes it is very helpful and effective to act on the “feel-better” reflex! The goal is to develop the ability to see your other options and make a choice on how to act.
So what do I do?
The first step - and hardest part - of this, is learning how to detect when you’re experiencing and going to automatically act on the “feel-better” reflex.
To start to learn how to detect this reflex, try this exercise:
Hold your arms in the air: Lift your arms straight overhead so that you’re holding them up. Make sure you aren’t leaning them against anything.
If you aren’t able to use your arms in this way, you can adapt it for other body parts.
Notice: As you hold them up, notice what happens in your body:
First you might notice neutral sensations - the weight of your arms, your muscles engaged.
Then you might notice a subtle shift - your arm muscles might start to tighten, feel hot, tingly, or heavy.
As you notice those shifts, you might start to feel the urge to lower your arms. It might come with thoughts like, “This is starting to get uncomfortable,” or “I don’t want to keep holding them up.” You might feel tension in other parts of your body.
Surf the urge: When you notice this urge, try not to act on it. This is called “urge-surfing”. Keep your hands in the air, pause and label the urge:
I’m noticing my “feel-better” reflex.
I feel an urge to get rid of this discomfort.
My brain is sending “make it stop” signals.
Choose: Then, choose what to do next:
You can decide to lower your arms if you’d like.
You can decide to keep them held up longer. You might feel your discomfort increase. As you do, try to let the discomfort wash over you like a wave rather than try to feel better. Remind yourself, “This is uncomfortable, and I don’t have to act on it automatically.”
How did that go? Did you start to get a glimpse of what your “feel-better” reflex feels like when it’s activated? As you start to get familiar with what this reflex feels like, you’ll be better able to detect when it gets activated.
You can also try these exercises to continue to develop your ability to detect its presence:
Noticing a Sore Muscle or Everyday Pain
Try this when you feel a sore spot during the day (shoulder, neck, back, etc.). If pain is sharp, spreading, or scary, stop and seek medical help.
Notice the change in sensation (suddenly you notice discomfort) and pause for 30 seconds. Stand or sit safely. Try to soften your face and jaw.
Name the spot. “Pain is in my right shoulder.”
Take three low and slow breaths. If breath work isn’t comfortable for you, try spelling the name of five objects you can see.
Notice the urge to fix, adjust, or feel better “I want to rub it, stretch it, take something, change position now.”
Try not to immediately act on the urge. Instead label the sensation: “This is discomfort,” and then notice if you’re clenching anywhere in your body. Try to unclench and then let the discomfort be there without changing or adjusting anything.
Choose your next step.
Option A (allow a bit longer): “I am willing to feel this without changing anything for two more breaths.”
Option B (intentional action): “I am deciding to act on my feel-better reflex and make an adjustment.”
Afterwards, give yourself credit for trying something new to help yourself!
Practicing with rumination (“constant thinking spirals”)
Sometimes constantly thinking about something is a way we can very subtly act on our “feel-better” reflex. This can be really common if using our brain or our intelligence has been helpful to us in the past. And, constantly thinking about something has its limits. It can go from helping us constructively prepare for or process something to an experiential avoidance strategy. Here’s how it can look to work with this.
Notice when you’re constantly thinking about something. You might be reviewing a conversation you had or a moment where you experienced emotional intensity. You might be “what-if”ing or contingency planning.
Label it. Say, “Rumination is here,” or “I’m having the thought that I must solve this right now” or “I’m having the urge to feel better about this.”
Take three low and slow breaths. If breath work isn’t comfortable for you, try spelling the name of five objects you can see.
Turn your attention back inside of you: What emotion is there? Is your brain trying to think about something so that you’ll feel better (decrease an unpleasant emotion)?
See if you can feel that emotion or acknowledge it, “Ah, fear is here,” or “Uff, there is shame.”
Notice any clenching in your body aimed at trying not to feel the painful emotion. If you’re able try to unclench and allow that emotion to be fully present.
State what’s happening. “My mind wants to think more so I don’t have to feel this fear,” or “No amount of thinking will make this shame go away,” or “Letting myself feel this doesn’t mean it’s fact,” or “I can feel this discomfort without acting on it.”
As you unclench and allow the emotion to be present without the rumination, see how the emotion responds. You might notice it intensify slightly and then release.
Now what?
As we practice noticing our “feel-better” reflex and start to be able to make a choice about it rather than immediately act on it, we can start to have more agency and flexibility to act according to what is important to us. To build on what you’ve learned here, head over to this post and learn more about the Choice Point framework.
