What to do with thoughts? Part 2 of 2
Now that you’ve had some experience learning how to notice your thoughts, you might have started to see that your autopilot brain activates are different types of thoughts:
Interpretation: They help us make sense of what's happening inside and outside of us.
“He must be sad.”
Prediction: They allow us to anticipate what might happen next.
“If he’s sad, then he might not want to go out tonight.”
Problem-solving: They assist in figuring out how to respond to situations.
“I’ll ask him about how he’s feeling so that he can feel better and maybe go out tonight.”
It's important to recognize that while our thoughts provide important information and truths, they are not always facts.
This is because our brains are meaning-making machines; they automatically fill in gaps or make assumptions based on incomplete information in order to survive or get short-term relief. This is an excellent strategy as it is the one most likely to help us survive.
For example, if you see a large, hairy brown shape coming quickly at you from a forest, taking a few extra moments to try and figure out what is happening might result in an unpleasant outcome for you. To overcome this, in that moment your brain is going to quickly fill in the gaps with BEAR and RUN to ensure a better outcome for you in that moment. If you look back and see it was a tree stump, you might have a laugh at yourself, which is better to do than be injured out in a forest.
And, often we have other goals in addition to survival. This means that sometimes what our brain does automatically isn’t always so helpful or realistic. When this is happening, we have to learn how to notice our thoughts and understand them.
The way our brain fills in the gaps is to connect what we’re experiencing in the present moment to what how we understand what we’ve experienced from the past. We can think of this as the difference between truth and fact:
Truth means that the thoughts we are having resonate with how our brain has understood past experiences.
Fact means that the thoughts we are having are taking in present moment information that is verifiable and observable.
Though full of true information, thoughts are not always factual.
Instead, they are our brain’s best guess at what will happen next based on past information.
How do we know what’s true vs. fact?
We have been able to identify particular thought patterns that, when activated, indicate our brain is likely filling in a gap rather than making a factual interpretation about the world.
These patterns are called thinking traps or cognitive distortions. The three common ones include:
Jumping to conclusions: This common thinking trap involves deciding something is true or likely to happen without any supporting evidence. It can sound like:
Mind reading: Quickly deciding that someone is reacting negatively without checking it out with them.
For example, "I can’t think of what to say next, and now this person thinks I’m boring".
Fortune telling or catastrophizing: Anticipating that things will turn out badly and being convinced your prediction is an established fact, even without evidence.
For example, "My mind is going to go blank when I start this test,” or “This is never going to get better.”
Emotional reasoning: For this thinking trap, you assume your emotional state reflects the reality of a situation. The core idea is "I feel it, therefore it must be true". While emotions are important data for us to pay attention to, the only thing they can accurately tell us is how part of our brain is interpreting a situation.
For instance, "I feel guilty, so I must have done something wrong" or "I feel embarrassed, so there must be something wrong with me".
This can be particularly prominent in anxiety disorders, where physical sensations like a rapid heartbeat lead to the conclusion that "something bad must be happening or about to happen" just because you feel your heart rate increase.
Confirmation bias: This thinking refers to the tendency our brain has to search for or interpret information in a way that confirms our preconceptions, and ignores or discredits information that does not support the initial opinion. It can sound like:
Overgeneralization: Selectively focusing on a single event and turning it into a larger pattern while disregarding all the instances that contradict that belief.
For instance: "I knew that person was unreliable; this one instance proves I was right, even though they've been on time many times before."
Discounting the positive: “They’re just giving me a compliment to be nice to me; they don’t really mean it.”
Even though it doesn’t feel good to discount positive things people say about us, our brain feels more at ease (and uses less energy) when it interprets information in a way that confirms its preconceptions, and to discredit information that does not support the initial opinion.
There are many other thinking traps that our brain can fall into and you can find an extensive list of thinking traps here. If you resonate with some or many of these, it means you are fully human!
Thinking traps are a way of talking about very common autopilot beliefs that most people live with because they tend to be most helpful with efficient survival. These traps often share a few common features:
Efficiency over accuracy: They save time by making quick judgments, often based on past experiences or assumptions.
Views with low to no nuance: Thinking traps can encourage all-or-nothing perspectives or catastrophizing, overlooking middle ground.
Assumed knowledge: Many traps rely on our brain convincing us that we know more than we really do about others' thoughts, feelings, or intentions in the present moment.
Thinking traps aren’t necessarily “good” or “bad” and labeling them as such can often be unhelpful.
What’s more important is learning to identify if we’re having thoughts that are thinking traps.
Doing this can be a helpful first step in being less dictated by our thoughts because it can interrupt our automatic habit to buy into a thought or believe it 100%. When this is interrupted, we can start to see that it is a thought we are having and then get a bit of distance between ourselves and that thought.
This distance, then, can allow us to explore if there are other ways of thinking about a situation that include all of the information and/ or are more helpful.
How do I identify if I’m thinking in thinking traps?
First, think about a situation that activates some unpleasant emotions for you and identify the thoughts that are connected with the unpleasant emotions. When you start to do this, it can be most helpful to practice this with situations that activate low to moderate intensity unpleasant emotions. Here is an example:
Situation: Waiting to hear back from a friend over text.
Unpleasant emotions: Nervousness, annoyance, embarrassment.
Thoughts: Why aren’t they texting back? Maybe I shouldn’t have texted. Ugh, I hate waiting.
Sometimes our thoughts are clearly thinking traps. Many times, like in this example, the thinking traps aren’t as immediately clear to us. When this happens, there are some options:
Strategy #1: Compare your thoughts to a list of thinking traps to see if you might be thinking with thinking traps.
There are lots of apps out there that can help you with this.
You can also use this NotebookLM I created to help check for thinking traps.
Look at the thinking traps listed above or the extensive list here and to see if any of them are similar to your thoughts.
Strategy #2: Rule out or explore more deeply thoughts about behaviors, feelings, facts, questions, or moral statements.
There are five kinds of thoughts that aren’t always explicitly thinking traps but our brain might connect a thinking trap with the thought:
Behaviors: A thought about your behavior such as, “I avoid conflict with my supervisor” is not explicitly a thinking trap, because it’s describing a behavior.
Instead, consider the thoughts you have when you’re avoiding conflict, such as “If I speak up, they’ll think I’m difficult.” That thought might be the thinking trap influencing you in that moment.
Feelings: A thought about your emotions or body sensations such as, “I feel anxious whenever I have to set a boundary with my mom” is not a thinking trap, because it’s describing an emotion.
Instead, consider what you’re telling yourself that makes you feel anxious, such as “If I disappoint her, I’m a bad daughter.” That thought might be the thinking trap influencing you in that moment.
Facts: Thoughts that are based on tangible facts such as, “My last partner cheated on me” are not thinking traps, because it’s something that actually happened.
Instead, consider what you thought as it happened and what you think about it now, such as “I’ll never be able to trust anyone again.” That thought might be the thinking trap influencing you in that moment.
Questions: Thoughts in the forms of questions like, “What if my friends don’t actually like me?” are not thinking traps, because it’s a question.
Instead, consider the answer your mind is supplying in the background, such as “If they really knew me, they wouldn’t want me around.” That thought might be the thinking trap influencing you in that moment.
Moral Statements: Thoughts about moral statements or judgments such as, “A good friend is someone who offers to help when you’re sick,” may not be an explicit thinking trap because it reflects an ideal standard of behavior.
Instead, consider how this statement applies to you personally, such as “When I needed help, my friends weren’t there for me” or “I can’t count on people.” Those thoughts might be the thinking trap(s) influencing you in that moment.
Or, consider if you are using the standard in an unhelpful way. Moral statements can be thinking traps when they are used to judge someone who doesn’t have those same morals, “They should have texted me because they knew I was sick.” They can also be unhelpful when they are unrealistic or if they evolve when you meet them, “They did text me, but it would’ve been better if they had also brought me soup.” Those thoughts might be the thinking trap(s) influencing you in that moment.
Let’s apply that to our situation:
Situation: Waiting to hear back from a friend over text.
Unpleasant emotions: Nervousness, annoyance, embarrassment.
Thoughts:
Why aren’t they texting back?
This is a Question thought!
It isn’t a thinking trap at face value, but your mind might be supplying an answer in the background, such as “They aren’t texting back because they are annoyed that I texted them this question.” That thought might be the thinking trap influencing you in that moment.
Maybe I shouldn’t have texted.
Most statements with “should” tend to be thinking traps at face value.
Ugh, I hate waiting.
This is a Behavior thought!
It isn’t a thinking trap at face value, but there might be a thinking trap you have when you are waiting such as, “I cannot handle the discomfort that gets more intense the longer I wait to hear back.” That thought might be the thinking trap influencing you in that moment.
What do I do now that I’ve identified a possible thinking trap?
First: Explore the thought with questions
If you have thoughts that are connected with unpleasant emotions, try better understanding that thought with these questions. Not all of these questions are relevant to every situation, so if there are some that don’t fit, skip over it:
What makes me think this is true (what tangible evidence outside of my brain do I have for this?)?
What makes me think the thought is not true or not 100% true?
Is this a thinking trap (see lists above)? How is it a thinking trap?
If this thought is true and causes a worst case scenario, what could I do then?
What’s the best case scenario that this thought could cause?
What is the most probable scenario this thought might cause?
What’s another way to look at this?
What will happen if I keep telling myself the same thought?
What could happen if I changed my thinking?
What would I tell my friend or family member if they were struggling with this?
What would be good to do now: _____________________
Next: Decide how you want to relate to the thought
After you’ve taken some time to explore the thought, there are three different ways you can relate to the thought using our example above:
1) Change it: Try to shift or change it through cognitive restructuring. Ask yourself:
What’s a more realistic and helpful way of understanding the situation?
I feel really vulnerable when I don’t hear back from my friends immediately.
What is one step I can take to act according to this new way of understanding the situation?
I can acknowledge and validate my vulnerability and then do something kind for myself until I hear back.
2) Separate thought from action: Allow yourself to fully feel the thought and the emotions, even if it’s uncomfortable. And then, use cognitive defusion to get a bit of distance from the thought. Ask yourself:
How can I relate to this thought rather than be dictated by it?
It’s painful to fear that my friends are mad at me. And I don’t have to be dictated by that pain or fear.
What is one step I can take to act according to the person I want to be rather than my thoughts?
I want to be someone who is delightful and carefree. I can feel my pain and fear and take a step to do something delightful and carefree in this moment. I don’t have to not feel pain to act in a carefree way.
3) Care for it: The thought might be connected to a way you kept yourself safe, empowered and/or connected with others. It might also be a way you have gotten other needs met in the past. This means that the thought will remain powerful and influential until you identify and practice other ways of meeting that need. Ask yourself:
What need is met by continuing to have this thought (what will continuing to think this thought “get me”)?
I feel more in control when I can anticipate how my friend might respond.
Feeling more in control helps me feel more calm.
How might I meet that need in a different way?
I can remind myself that I really can’t control my friend’s response (nor do I really want to), and I can control how I care for myself and my distress by:
Validating that it feels really difficult to feel out of control and not calm and acknowledge it is a moment of suffering.
Remembering that trying to make my fears and suffering go away might increase my suffering, and instead of not trying to feel less afraid I can extend myself some kindness (**examples below).
Doing something that I know generally helps me feel more calm.
Closing thoughts
Learning to identify thinking traps isn’t about silencing or judging your thoughts—it’s about giving yourself more space, choice, and compassion in how you respond to them.
When you can pause and notice, “This is a thought my autopilot brain is offering me,” you open the door to see other possibilities, gather more complete information, and act in ways that align with your values instead of your fears.
Over time, this practice can shift your relationship with your inner world so that thoughts feel less like dictators you must comply with and more like signals you can interpret with curiosity and care.
————————————————————————————————————————
**Examples of kindness you can practice:
Download the Finch app and try following its prompts for a few days
Laughter: Engage in hearty laughter, which can be a great stress reliever.
Watch a comedy, try laughter yoga, look up jokes or funny videos on social media, share a funny moment with someone or recall a humorous memory.
Connect deeply with a trusted creature or coziness: A 20-second hug, a 6-second kiss, giving yourself a hand, head or foot massage, or snuggling with a creature or cozy blanket or pillow can be very effective in helping your brain activate the neurochemicals that signal safety and connection.
Allowing yourself to cry: Letting yourself cry or doing something that activates a crying response can help our body process the neurochemicals that are activating our emotions, even if it doesn’t change the situation.
Tears can flow naturally or be encouraged by watching or listening to a movie or song.
Creating art: Engage in creative activities just for the joy of it, whether it's writing a song, painting, cooking a meal, or any other form of artistic expression.
Use your imagination: Visualize different scenarios, which can activate your brain similarly to real experiences. Immerse yourself in a book, watch movies or television in an intentional way( rather than zoning out), or play games.
Move your body: Move your body to activate the neurochemicals that signal safety. Activities like jogging, swimming, cycling, or even dancing at home for 20-60 minutes daily can be very effective.
Simple movement is also helpful! Get up and walk to a different room, jump up and down, wiggle. Take a five minute stroll outside. Play some music you enjoy and move your body in a way that feels good.
Being with nature: Spending 30 minutes savoring natural elements or immersed in nature can help reduce the activation of stress neurochemicals, as well as reduce cognitive fatigue by giving our brains a break from constant stimulation.
