Choice point
What to do when you're stuck in a pattern that isn't working
You’ve probably had moments like this: you're saying something you didn't mean to say, avoiding something you meant to do, or giving in to a habit you were trying to shift. You realize in the moment it’s not quite what you want—and yet, you do it anyway. You might get some relief, but in general you feel stuck in this habit of reacting.
That’s not a personal failure. That’s your autopilot brain at work trying to help.
Our brains are wired to be efficient, especially when we feel overwhelmed, uncertain, or vulnerable. The autopilot brain takes the best of what we’ve learned in the past and activates it to help us act quickly, conserve energy, and get immediate relief. But sometimes those default patterns start getting in the way of the life we actually want.
In these moments, I really like to use a framework called Choice Point from Acceptance & Commitment Therapy. I find that it is a useful guide in helping us notice our autopilot patterns and start to explore other options to act with wisdom. It’s a way to pause with compassion, reflect with curiosity, and try something new—one step at a time.
Choice Point Steps
There are a few steps we can take to prepare for and practice Choice Point. At the end of this article is a specific example of how to do this.
To work through the steps below the graphic on your own, copy/paste the prompts and put them in your Notes app or a doc.
Step 1: Map your autopilot
“I can always choose this. And… what are my other options?”
We all have default patterns that show up when things get hard:
Urges & feelings – What are you feeling pulled to do right now?
Thoughts/beliefs – How is your brain interpreting the information?
Short-term relief – What does this pattern help you avoid or soothe?
Longer-term results – What’s the cost of this choice over time?
Autopilot isn't inherently bad (even though it can result in pain and distress at times)—it often developed for good reason. And because it often gets developed for good past reasons, it’s worth checking: is it still working for you now?
Step 2: Process & prepare
“What need is this pattern trying to meet? How else could I care for that?”
Instead of jumping to change, take time to reflect on the way this autopilot pattern helps you meet certain needs and think about how to meet those needs in a new way the present:
Values/Something larger – Who do you want to be? What really matters to you?
Reflect & care – How might this autopilot pattern have helped you in the past? What need did it meet then, and how might you meet that need differently now?
Prepare – When is it hardest to act in line with your values?
Reward – What small changes could make it easier to follow through next time?
This step is about kindness and strategy—setting yourself up to have more choices when things get hard.
Step 3: Define your practice of wisdom
“Could I try this to see how it goes?”
Your values or sense of something larger you want to aspire to are a compass, not a set of rules. You don’t need to get it right—you just need to practice trying:
Values/Something larger – What guides this choice? Why am I doing this? How could I act in a way that I’m proud of myself even if I don’t get a desired outcome?
Aligned action – What does it look like to move toward that value right now?
Short-term distress – Yes, it might feel uncomfortable. That’s normal when we change a pattern because decreasing that discomfort might be why the pattern exists. Even just naming it and accepting it when it comes can help get through it. Or, finding a mantra that helps you remember your why in that moment, “I’m feeling this now, to take care of myself later.” And, planning a small reward afterwards can be helpful - whether it’s a small pause to recognize you did something helpful for yourself, a reminder that you got through a difficult thing, or doing something enjoyable or soothing.
Longer-term benefit – What are you investing in when you do the harder thing? What might be the pay off or benefit that you’re looking for?
Wisdom doesn’t mean having all the answers. It means staying connected to what matters—even when it’s really difficult.
Step 4: Choice Point
“This is a choice point moment.”
Steps 1-3 prepare us for moments in which our autopilot gets activated and we want to start to explore additional ways of acting or coping - possibly more wise or helpful ways! In a choice point moment, try to slow down just enough to do the following:
Register – “I’m having autopilot urges and feelings.”
Get present – Breathe. Notice your surroundings. Take a drink of water.
Notice – “This is a choice point moment.”
Remember – “I can always choose my autopilot… and I can try something new to see how it goes.”
Act & reflect – Choose a values-aligned action. Then reflect: how did it go? What helped? What might you try differently next time?
This is where you pivot—not perfectly, and intentionally.
Reflect
You are not broken for having an autopilot and feeling stuck with it. You, me, everyone - we’re wired for it.
And we also have the ability to slow down, reflect, and try something different.
The goal isn’t being perfect, or even being a better version of ourselves.
The goal is to develop flexibility because we are enough just as we are AND we deserve to have more options—and more support—as we grow.
The next time you notice a pattern you’re tired of, try saying:
“Thank you, autopilot. And, what are my other options for how to respond here?”
And maybe…
“Could I try something else to see how it goes?”
Example
Here is an example of what this can look like in this situation:
“You’re in a group text with friends. Someone mentions getting together soon, and you realize you forgot to reply to their last message from a few days ago.”
