Psychological flexibility

Summarizing and simplifying a lot of neuroscience, we can think about our brain and nervous system in two parts:

• Our autopilot brain

• Our attentive brain

Much of our lives and our day-to-day functioning is run by our autopilot brain—which is generally really helpful. Our autopilot brain is essentially a collective of best practices (i.e., neural pathways) that we have learned will help us live our lives. And, as we grow older, that collective ends up prioritizing homeostasis (keeping current neural pathways) rather than adaptation (creating new neural pathways). This is also generally helpful, until it’s not.

Here’s what this can look like:

• You grew up learning that it was safest to avoid conflict—so now, even when you are with someone you trust, your body tenses up and your thoughts race with what-ifs when you want to bring up a boundary or ask for something from them.

• You learned that being useful made you lovable—so now, even when you’re exhausted, you feel a spike of guilt in your chest when you try to rest.

• You spent years keeping your emotions in check to keep the peace—so now, even when you’re with people who want to know you, you go blank when you try to share something vulnerable.

• You figured out early that being the smartest person in the room kept you safe—so now, even when something’s not working, you spend a ton of energy and time on researching, planning, and analyzing even when asking for help might save you some energy and time.

• You grew up hearing that faith meant certainty—so now, when you feel doubt or disconnection, your stomach sinks and you either push harder into spiritual performance or check out entirely.

• You learned to tone yourself down to make others comfortable—so now, even when you’re not in danger, your body pulls back when you’re about to say something true, bold, or different.

When our autopilot brain’s collective stops being helpful—or starts becoming actively unhelpful—we need our attentive brain. Our attentive brain is a collaborator with the autopilot collective, and unless we intentionally access and develop it, it will go along with the collective.

We see little glimpses of this attentive brain in our day-to-day:

• It’s the part of you that notices, “Wait, I always say yes to things I don’t want to do.” 

• Or the quiet nudge that asks, “What if I’m missing important information?” 

• It’s when you pause before reacting and ask yourself, “Does this really matter that much to me?”

Intentionally accessing and developing our attentive brain can help us have a relationship with our autopilot brain—leveraging its wisdom for adaptation, rather than being dictated by its default longing for safety and sameness. When we have that relationship, we gain more options and choices about how we want to live our lives.

This relationship with our brain is called psychological flexibility.

And it’s crucial because the world we live in today—relationally, socially, technologically—is changing faster than our brain’s ancient wiring can keep up with. Our autopilot brain prioritizes detecting threats and keeping us alive in small, familiar communities. But we’re now navigating:

• 24/7 digital communication that floods us with opinions, comparison, and urgency

• Chronic stressors like climate change, financial instability, or ongoing caregiving
  Shifting relationship norms and cultural expectations

• Grief, disconnection, and meaning crises that don’t fit in tidy categories

Psychological flexibility helps us stay grounded and responsive in the middle of all that.

Evidence-based therapies like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) consistently show that developing psychological flexibility is linked to:

• Lower levels of anxiety and depression

• Better stress response and emotional regulation

• Stronger relationships and sense of meaning

• Increased ability to move toward your values, even when life is hard

In short, psychological flexibility helps us live more meaningfully—without pretending life is easier than it is.

To learn more about how to improve your psychological flexibility, head over here.