Psychological Flexibility
What is Helpful, Effective ("Healthy"*) Mental Health?
*Health looks different for different people. When it comes to mental health, what’s healthy for one person may not be for another. Because of that, the word can sometimes be used in a way that feels judgmental or dismissive. That’s why I prefer words like “helpful” or “effective” when talking about mental health—because they focus on what actually works for you and supports your growth.
Mental health can sometimes feel like a secret code—something only unlocked through years of therapy. Fortunately, that’s not true.
At the end of the day, helpful and effective mental health is about learning one key skill:
Psychological Flexibility
Psychological flexibility means being able to notice what patterns of thought, feeling, and action you tend to use when you’re on autopilot - your default ways of understanding and being in the world. This default has likely emerged as your way of getting your needs met in the past given your unique brain. Much of psychological suffering and mental health challenges come from trying to use our past/default ways of getting our needs met in present moment situations where the default may not be as helpful.
As you learn to notice your default, you can also learn to pause, and choose a response that moves you toward the life you want to build rather than towards your default way of meeting your needs. It doesn’t mean getting rid of your default way of thinking, feeling, and acting—in fact, your default likely reflects your strengths and lived experiences. But sometimes if we only rely on those patterns to get our needs met, they can end up getting in the way of what you truly want or need and we need to learn new ones to help us.
That’s when psychological flexibility becomes so powerful. It helps you relate to your inner world with more clarity and choice, rather than feeling stuck or reactive.
How Do We Improve Our Psychological Flexibility?
We can break it down into four key parts:
Exploring each part can help you better understand your default patterns, how to work with them more skillfully, and how to start to develop new patterns to add to your internal toolkit.
This framework is significantly based on the work of Daniel J. Siegel, MD, and the PDP Group in Personality and Wholeness in Therapy. In some ways the information on this webpage is an attempt to translate his theory and findings into more everyday language.
If you know about the Enneagram and find it helpful, this framework emerged from Dr. Siegel’s study of that system and the ways it shares common ground with current mental health science, and I have indicated which default a certain Type tends to have. For those of you who don’t know or use the Enneagram, disregard anything that says “Type” and then followed by a number
Attention & Energy
All of us focus our thoughts (attention) and effort (energy) in different ways. Most of us tend to focus most on one of three areas:
Inside of us
Focusing thoughts and effort on what’s happening inside of us: our thoughts, emotions, body sensations, urges, memories.
(Types 1, 4, 5)
Outside of us
Focusing thoughts and effort on what’s happening outside of us: what we see, hear, smell, feel, taste; what others are doing or not doing; what’s happening in our environment.
(Types 2, 7, 8)
Both inside & outside
Focusing thoughts and effort on how to hold tension and balance our understanding of what’s happening inside and outside of us simultaneously.
(Types 3, 6, 9)
What might your default be?
Answer these questions to get a better idea of what you tend to pay attention to when you’re on autopilot (default):
Something unexpected happens. What do you notice first?
A) My feelings, thoughts, body sensations, &/or reactions inside myself.
B) What's happening around me &/or what others are doing.
C) Both at the same time—I notice myself and what's going on around me.
When you're talking with someone important, what's easiest for you?
A) Noticing my own thoughts, feelings, body sensations, &/or reactions.
B) Noticing the other person's words, actions, &/or surroundings.
C) Paying attention to both myself and the other person equally.
When you're by yourself, what do you find yourself thinking about the most?
A) My own thoughts, feelings, body sensations, &/or memories.
B) Things I can see, hear, touch, &/or what's around me.
C) A mix of both what's inside me and around me.
When things get stressful, where does your attention usually go?
A) Mostly inside myself (my feelings, thoughts, body sensations).
B) Mostly outside myself (what's happening around me).
C) I usually try to pay attention to both at the same time.
Scoring:
Look at your answers. Which type did you choose the most?
Mostly A’s: Your default is focusing Inside yourself (Types 1, 4, 5).
Mostly B’s: Your default is focusing Outside yourself (Types 2, 7, 8).
Mostly C’s: Your default is Balancing Inside and Outside (Types 3, 6, 9)
If there's a tie, it means you might be able to more easily switch between different ways depending on the situation.
Okay, so what?
Now that you’ve identified your potential default, ask yourself if you are having any difficulties getting what you want or need, or if you’re feeling stuck in how to live according to your values or make progress on your goals.
If the answer is yes, it could be helpful to work on shifting your focus to a different area. Sometimes learning how to shift what we focus on can open up new ways of meeting wants and needs, living out values, or progressing on goals.
Consider the Growth suggestions below to explore this.
Growth
Does your default way of focusing help you meet your needs, get what you want, live out your values, and/or reach your goals? If not, consider practicing shifting your focus to different parts of your life through the recommended practices —>
Alternatively, you can play with this simple technique:
Pause
Notice if you’re paying attention and putting energy to your default focus.
Take a slow breath
Try to shift your attention and energy towards one of the other areas of focus and ask yourself, “What new information am I getting as I shift my attention to something new?”
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When your attention and energy often turn inward—toward your thoughts, feelings, body sensations, and memories—your brain is likely working hard to make meaning, protect you, or regain a sense of control. These steps help you gently train your thinking brain to expand focus, regulate internal overwhelm, and re-engage with the world around you.
1) Reconnect with your body to support nervous system regulation.
When attention is stuck inside, especially with anxious, critical, or looping thoughts, your body often gets left out—or stays tense without you noticing. This keeps the autopilot brain activated.
Try this: Pause 1–2 times a day to scan your body for tension. Breathe into those areas and stretch or move in a way that helps release it.
Why it can help: Noticing and loosening physical tension helps calm internal noise and supports your brain in shifting to a more flexible, present state.
2) Catch judgment loops and shift gently toward discernment.
When your brain repeatedly focuses on what’s wrong or imperfect, it’s likely trying to keep you safe through control. But over time, this can limit access to self-trust and growth.
Try this: When you catch yourself fixating on a mistake or flaw, ask: “Does this truly need correcting—or is my brain stuck in old rules?”
Why it can help: This question activates your thinking brain to step in, rather than letting your default judgment patterns run the show.
3) Practice returning to the present—even when it’s ordinary.
The autopilot brain often focuses on what’s missing, special, or different. But growth comes when you train your brain to also notice what’s already here and working.
Try this: Name 3 things that are okay, enough, or meaningful in this moment.
Why it can help: This balances the brain’s threat radar and trains your attention to include what's positive, grounding, or stable.
4) Use the body as an anchor when attention spirals.
When you're caught in internal loops, it’s hard to act in ways that support your goals. Bringing your energy back into your body creates a helpful pause.
Try this: When you notice yourself retreating into thought, stop and name one body sensation. Then, gently shift to your next action.
Why it can help: This small action helps interrupt default loops and give your thinking brain a chance to guide your next step.
5) Expand awareness outward without abandoning yourself.
It’s common to feel self-focused when you’re overwhelmed internally. But pulling yourself outward doesn’t mean pushing your needs aside—it means reconnecting with life.
Try this: Choose one daily moment to stay present with someone or something outside yourself—eye contact, nature, or even a texture or sound.
Why it can help: This widens your awareness and helps your brain practice engaging without feeling flooded or detached.
6) Let go of over-control by practicing shared space.
Your brain may try to control internal experience before allowing action or connection. But learning to tolerate “not knowing” is a key skill in psychological flexibility.
Try this: When you notice yourself pausing or withdrawing to get things “right” inside, gently say: “I can still move forward while feeling this.”
Why it can help: This gives your brain permission to act even when things aren’t resolved, increasing flexibility and real-world alignment with your values.
(Types 1, 4, 5)
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When your attention and energy are usually focused on what's happening around you—others' needs, future plans, or external stimulation—your brain may be working hard to stay ahead of discomfort, gain approval, or keep things moving. These practices help train the thinking brain to pause, return to the body, and re-center on what’s actually needed in the moment.
1) Come back to your body and the present moment.
When your brain is scanning the outside world or chasing what’s next, it may be trying to stay safe, productive, or appreciated. But this often disconnects you from your own internal experience.
Try this: Pause once or twice a day to breathe slowly, feel your feet, and name what’s happening in your body—especially when you're rushing or planning.
Why it can help: This grounds your nervous system and reminds your brain that being here, now, is enough.
2) Pause before acting to check what’s truly needed.
External focus can lead to automatic action—especially in service of others or goals. But not everything urgent is important.
Try this: When you feel the urge to jump in, pause and ask: “Is this truly helpful? Do I need something too?”
Why it can help: This creates space for your thinking brain to align your energy with what’s actually meaningful, not just habitual.
3) Include yourself in the equation.
Your brain may default to managing others' needs, pursuing external rewards, or avoiding discomfort. But your own needs matter, too.
Try this: At the end of each day, ask: “Did I tend to my own needs and desires?” If not, choose one small way to do so tomorrow.
Why it can help: This builds internal trust and reduces over-dependence on external validation.
4) Practice slowing down your pace and narrowing your focus.
When energy is constantly going “up and out,” it can keep you in a state of surface-level engagement or performance.
Try this: Choose one task or conversation to do slowly and attentively—no multitasking, no rushing to the next thing.
Why it helps: Your brain learns that you can go deep, not just wide. This supports clarity, effectiveness, and emotional connection.
5) Welcome the full spectrum of your experience.
If your attention skips over discomfort, pain, or complexity in favor of the positive or possible, your brain might be protecting you—but it may also be limiting your growth.
Try this: When you notice yourself idealizing, pleasing, or reframing quickly, pause and ask: “What else is here that I’m not naming yet?”
Why it can help: Letting in discomfort trains the brain to process rather than bypass, which supports long-term emotional flexibility.
6) Shift from proving to participating.
If you're driven to fix, please, or perform, try stepping back and trusting that life—and others—can also move and balance on their own.
Try this: Reflect on how your presence and energy shape the moment. Then practice letting others take the lead, even if it feels unfamiliar.
Why it can help: This interrupts the need to always impact and opens space for shared responsibility and rest.
(Types 2, 7, 8)
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Those with this style are often capable, perceptive, and reflective—but may also carry the burden of trying to manage everything, internally and externally, before feeling ready to act. These steps help gently slow the pace, build discernment, and reduce overwhelm, while supporting clarity and alignment with values.
1) Slow down your pace so your brain can catch up.
When you're tuned into both your inner world and what's happening around you, your system can become flooded. Slowing your actions gives your thinking brain space to make effective decisions.
Try this: Visualize a metronome moving slowly, and match your breath or task pace to it. Choose one task to do attentively, without multitasking.
Why it can help: This calms the nervous system and helps you respond, rather than react, to both internal and external demands.
2) Shift from performance to presence.
You may be balancing your feelings, others’ expectations, and how you “should” show up. But chasing approval or outcomes can pull you out of alignment with what really matters to you.
Try this: Ask: “What actually matters here?” and “What do I feel, not just what looks good or makes sense?”
Why it can help: This brings your attention back to your values and internal compass, reducing reactivity to external pressures.
3) Use tension and conflict as cues, not emergencies.
When your brain is trying to hold many perspectives or make the "right" choice, discomfort can feel dangerous. But conflict, doubt, and disharmony are part of growth.
Try this: When something feels off, locate it in your body. Name what you're reacting to—and remind yourself that this discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
Why it can help: This creates emotional room to stay with complexity without shutting down or rushing to fix it.
4) Center your own reference point.
It's easy to lose track of your own voice when you’re skilled at understanding others or weighing multiple perspectives. But your needs, preferences, and gut sense matter too.
Try this: When you notice your decisions revolving around others, pause and ask: “What do I want or need right now?”
Why it can help: This builds self-trust and prevents emotional burnout from over-accommodation or over-analysis.
5) Practice discernment—not overthinking.
Your brain may default to sorting options, checking for danger, or mentally spinning between perspectives. But this can become a block to action.
Try this: When stuck in pros and cons or spiraling doubt, ask: “What do I already know?” Then take one small next step—even if you don’t feel fully ready.
Why it can help: This activates your thinking brain to interrupt the autopilot loop of mental control and move into meaningful action.
6) Acknowledge success and move forward.
When you carry a strong internal drive to improve or respond to others, you may skip over what’s going well. But noticing success helps build flexible attention and resilience.
Try this: Once a day, name one thing you handled well or responded to with care.
Why it can help: This retrains your attention to track internal wins, not just external outcomes or internal errors.
(Types 3, 6, 9)
Motivation
All of us are motivated by different things—what drives us to act or make choices. Most people fall into one of these three groups:
Agency & Empowerment
Some people are motivated by feeling strong and in control. They want to make their own choices and feel like they can take action when they need to.
(Types 1, 8, 9)
Certainty & Safety
Some people are motivated by feeling safe. They want to know what’s going to happen and feel sure that things are steady and okay.
(Types 5, 6, 7)
Bonding & Connection
Some people are motivated by feeling close to others. They want to feel cared for, connected, and part of a group or relationship.
(Types 2, 3, 4)
You likely care about all three—but one might be more important to you most of the time. This might not be a conscious choice, but what you are more motivated by by default.
What might your default motivation be?
All of us care about feeling strong, safe, and connected—but one might matter a little more to you most of the time. Answer these questions to get a better idea of what your default motivation might be. Choose the answer that feels most true for you most of the time—even if more than one sounds familiar. If it’s helpful, ask someone who knows you well for their observations of you about this.
When something hard happens, what helps you feel better?
A) Taking action or making a decision.
B) Knowing what to expect or making a plan.
C) Talking to someone I trust or being around people who care.
What matters most when you’re making a choice?
A) That I get to choose for myself.
B) That I know it’s safe and won’t go wrong.
C) That it brings me closer to others or keeps people happy.
What upsets you the most?
A) Feeling helpless or stuck.
B) Not knowing what’s going to happen.
C) Feeling left out or alone.
When you're feeling really good, what’s often true?
A) I did something on my own that I feel proud of.
B) Everything feels steady and under control.
C) I feel connected to someone or part of something.
Scoring:
Look at your answers. Which type did you choose the most?
Mostly A’s: You’re likely most motivated by feeling strong and in control. This means that you are often doing things that keep you feeling empowered so that you have agency (Types 1, 8, 9).
Mostly B’s: You’re likely most motivated by feeling steady and certain. This means that you are often doing things that keep you feeling safe through the pursuit of certainty (Types 5, 6, 7).
Mostly C’s: You’re likely most motivated by feeling close to others. This means that you are often doing things that help you feel connected through bonding with others (Types 2, 3, 4).
If your answers are mixed, that’s normal! You might shift depending on the situation—but this gives you a starting place to notice what matters most to you in everyday life.
Okay, so what?
Now that you’ve identified your potential default, ask yourself if you are having any difficulties getting what you want or need, or if you’re feeling stuck in how to live according to your values or make progress on your goals.
If the answer is yes, it could be helpful to work on experimenting with shifting your motivation to a different area. Sometimes learning how to shift what we are motivated by on can open up new ways of meeting wants and needs, living out values, or progressing on goals.
Consider the Growth suggestions below to explore this.
Growth
Sometimes the thing that drives us most (our default motivation) helps us—other times, it might hold us back. If you’re noticing that your usual way isn’t working in some situations, here are some ideas to try —>
Alternatively, you can play with this simple technique:
Pause
Notice if you’re paying attention and putting energy to your default motivation.
Take a slow breath
Try to shift your attention and energy towards one of the other areas of motivation and ask yourself, “What new information am I getting as I shift my attention and energy to something new?”
-
This means that your default might compel you to mostly focus on how to feel empowered through having agency. While this motivation can fuel resilience and clarity, it can also lead to rigid standards, resistance to receiving support, or over-identification with autonomy. The blind spot you may have is that there may be moments you don’t feel empowered, but you do have agency.
You might want to consider trying these different ways of exercising agency. These steps help reintroduce flexibility, connection, pleasure, and receptivity without compromising a strong sense of self.
1) Shift from "should" to self-alignment.
Your brain may default to internal rules and high standards that sound like “I should…” or “I have to…”
Try this: When you catch a “should,” gently ask: “What do I actually want or need here?”
Why it can help: This builds motivation from desire and values—not obligation—and creates space for more empowered choice-making.
2) Balance responsibility with play and pleasure.
A strong sense of agency can lead to over-control or overwork. Letting in joy is not weakness—it’s nourishment.
Try this: Make a short list of activities that feel fun or freeing. Schedule one before or instead of your next task.
Why it can help: This invites your thinking brain to value rest, pleasure, and connection as part of sustainable empowerment.
3) Practice power with flexibility.
When your default is empowerment, giving up control or adjusting to others can feel threatening. But adaptability is a form of strength.
Try this: Choose one small moment to try it someone else’s way—even if it’s not “efficient.”
Why it can help: This helps your brain learn that power doesn’t have to mean force; it can mean choice, cooperation, and trust.
4) Honor your voice—and share the space.
You may deeply value your independence and clear opinions. That’s important—and so is connection and collaboration.
Try this: When you're tempted to stay silent to avoid conflict, pause and ask: “What truth needs to be spoken with care here?”
Why it helps: This reinforces your agency while inviting shared leadership and mutual respect.
5) Let go of perfect. Focus on real.
Perfectionism is often the mind’s way of trying to stay safe and in control. But perfection in the moment—being present, human, and open—is more helpful.
Try this: Notice when you’re aiming for flawless execution and ask: “What would ‘good enough and connected’ look like here?”
Why it can help: This frees your energy to engage meaningfully instead of defensively.
6) Include yourself in the care you offer others.
Being empowered doesn’t mean doing everything alone. You are allowed to receive, to rest, and to be nurtured.
Try this: Each day, check in with your body: “Have I honored my needs and well-being today?”
Why it can help: This builds internal trust and softens the pressure to prove your worth through constant doing.
7) You can also ask yourself:
What is one step I can take to feel more safe or certain?
What is one step I can take to feel more connected or bonded to someone else?
(Types 1, 8, 9)
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When someone is wired to prioritize certainty, predictability, or control, their brain is trying to protect them from overwhelm or vulnerability. This means your default is often to prioritize feeling safe through seeking certainty. The blind spot you may have is that there may be moments you don’t feel certain, but you are safe.
You might want to consider trying these different ways of pursuing safety. These steps help increase psychological flexibility by gently inviting trust, presence, shared experience, and movement toward life—even when outcomes aren’t guaranteed.
1) Trade control for connection to life.
Your brain may try to feel safe by tightly managing time, energy, or emotions—but this can shrink your life. Choosing to open, even a little, helps you grow without abandoning safety.
Try this: When you notice yourself resisting input or protecting your space, ask: “Is this really keeping me safe—or just keeping me stuck?”
Why it can help: This supports your thinking brain in checking whether your safety strategies are actually effective, or outdated.
2) Practice moving forward before certainty arrives.
You don’t have to be fully prepared, sure, or proof-armed before taking action. Start practicing faith—not just in outcomes, but in yourself.
Try this: Take one small action today before you feel ready, and notice how your body responds.
Why it can help: This teaches your brain that you can act with courage even when fear or doubt is present.
3) Shift from scarcity to sufficiency.
Your protective instincts may tell you there’s not enough: time, energy, clarity, safety. But operating from scarcity can lead to burnout, mistrust, or isolation.
Try this: When you feel the urge to protect or hoard your time or energy, say:
“There’s enough for this moment.” Then gently engage.Why it can help: Practicing internal abundance creates space for joy, connection, and growth.
4) Reclaim trust in yourself and in the world.
When doubt or fear takes over, your brain may look for control, proof, or others to lead. Reconnecting to your own inner authority is a powerful shift.
Try this: When doubt arises, ask: “What would I choose if I trusted myself here?”
Why it can help: This builds internal confidence while loosening your brain’s grip on certainty as the only path to safety.
5) Let life in—even the hard parts.
Escaping into what’s pleasant, self-protective, or rational can feel safer—but it can block intimacy and authenticity.
Try this: When you notice discomfort, don’t reframe or escape right away. Instead, pause and name it. Then ask: “Can I stay with this for a moment?”
Why it can help: This helps your nervous system tolerate vulnerability and teaches your brain that discomfort isn’t danger—it’s part of real life.
6) Step out of protective superiority and into shared humanity.
Sometimes fear dresses up as detachment, comparison, or “up-ness.” Letting go of that stance can feel risky—but opens the door to mutual care and humility.
Try this: Ask: “Am I trying to feel above this—or can I step alongside it?”
Why it can help: This rewires your brain for connection over control, and helps you meet yourself and others with curiosity instead of distance.
7) You can also ask yourself:
What is one step I can take to feel stronger, more empowered or in control?
What is one step I can take to feel more connected or bonded to someone else?
(Types 5, 6, 7)
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This kind of motivation can fuel warmth, generosity, and deep relational insight—but when over-relied on, it may lead to self-sacrifice, idealization, over-giving, or difficulty tolerating separateness. This means when you’re on default, you mainly focus on how connected (or not) you feel to others through your bond with them. The blind spot you may have is that there may be moments you don’t feel connected, but you do have bonds with yourself and others.
You might want to consider trying these different ways of feeling more bonded with yourself and others. These steps support greater psychological flexibility by gently reinforcing boundaries, reciprocity, autonomy, and internal worth.
1) Redefine your worth beyond being needed.
If your brain is wired to equate being loved with being needed, it may cling to giving, intensity, or uniqueness as a source of value.
Try this: When you feel the urge to prove your importance through giving or intensity, ask:
“What if I’m already enough without being needed or special?”Why it can help: This interrupts the autopilot belief that connection must be earned, and strengthens your internal sense of worth.
2) Practice receiving without guilt.
Overgiving can become a protective pattern—making space to receive builds connection rooted in mutuality, not over-responsibility.
Try this: Once a day, let someone help you, give to you, or be there for you—without trying to balance it right away.
Why it can help: This teaches your brain that care goes both ways, and that you're allowed to have needs too.
3) Release the ideal and embrace what is.
Your brain may pull you toward what's missing, special, or emotionally intense. But connection thrives in the ordinary, not just the heightened.
Try this: When you find yourself longing or idealizing, name what’s real and here. Ask: “What’s already good enough?”
Why it can help: This supports emotional grounding and helps shift from fantasy connection to present-moment relationship.
4) Nurture your separate self.
It’s easy to blur the line between care and enmeshment when your identity is built around relationships. Spending time alone can feel scary—but it’s essential.
Try this: Schedule one small solo experience each week that’s just for you—creative, restful, or playful.
Why it can help: This gently builds autonomy, which strengthens connection without self-erasure.
5) Let go of the hidden scorecard.
Unspoken expectations can build quiet resentment when your brain is seeking emotional balance through giving. Make those patterns conscious and kind.
Try this: When you notice frustration after giving, pause and ask:
“Did I expect something in return? Can I name it gently?”Why it can help: This builds self-awareness, relational honesty, and inner clarity around how you want to engage with others.
6) Trust in the natural flow of giving and receiving.
You don’t have to monitor or manage connection through effort. Sometimes, stepping back creates more space for true connection to emerge.
Try this: When you feel the urge to control or perfect a relational moment, take a breath and say: “I can trust that life brings what’s needed.”
Why it can help: This calms your nervous system and opens your thinking brain to more organic, sustainable connection.
7) You can also ask yourself:
What is one step I can take to feel stronger, more empowered or in control?
What is one step I can take to feel a little safer or more certain?
(Types 2, 3, 4)
Priority Emotions
All of us learn how to deal with our emotions in different ways. Over time, we may start to focus a lot on certain emotions—even if we don’t realize it. These are called priority emotions.
Sometimes we pay a lot of attention to a certain emotion and let it guide our choices. Other times, we try hard to ignore that emotion—we don’t want to feel it, think about it, or be in situations that might bring it up. Whether we pay a lot of attention to it or try to ignore it or pretend it’s not here, we are prioritizing that emotion.
Often, we’ve been doing this for so long that we don’t even notice it anymore. It becomes a habit. But even if it feels automatic, we can learn to notice it and make new choices. This doesn’t mean we can stop the emotion from showing up, but we can decide how we want to respond to it. That gives us more freedom to act in ways that match our values and goals.
Some of the emotions people often default prioritize are:
Fear
There’s always some part of your brain that is worrying (or trying to avoid worrying) about what might go wrong or trying to stay safe.
We can experience fear in many ways:
We can experience fear at different levels of intensity: uneasy, nervous, scared, afraid, fearful, panicky, terror, horrified
We may be experiencing fear when we have these body sensations and/or urges:
Body sensations: Chest tightness, mind racing, wide eyes, pounding heart, fidgety, cold sweat, tension, shallow breathing.
Urges: Get away, fight, negotiate, shut down, freeze, people-please, become passive, hide, call for help, be vigilant.
(Types 5, 6, 7)
Anger
There’s always some part of your brain that’s feeling frustrated (or trying to avoid feeling frustrated) or wanting to fight back when something feels unfair.
We can experience anger in many ways:
We can experience anger at different levels of intensity: annoyed, frustrated, irritated, angry, furious, outraged.
We may be experiencing anger when we have these body sensations and/or urges:
Body sensations: Furrowed brow, tension, scrunched face, tight shoulders, jaw clenched, fists in a ball, heat in the head.
Urges: Change someone or something, confront, raise your voice, do damage, retaliate, withdraw, seethe silently, point out something indirectly.
(Types 1, 8, 9)
Sadness, shame or loneliness
There’s always some part of your brain that’s feeling down, bad about ourselves, or left out (or trying not to feel those things).
We can experience sadness, shame, or loneliness in many ways:
We can experience different levels of intensity: down, hurt, lonely, embarrassed, self-conscious, disappointed, sad, ashamed, hopeless, despair, humiliated, mortified.
We may be experiencing sadness, shame, or loneliness when we have these body sensations and/or urges:
Body sensations: Heaviness, numbness, crying, slumped, tight throat, low energy, fatigue, pit in stomach, eyes down, flushed face, slumped shoulders.
Urges: Get small, cry, freeze, turn anger inward, direct anger to others, people-please, be passive, hide, avoid, shut down, be alone, seek comfort, reflect on what happened, isolate, slow down, rest.
(Types 2, 3, 4)
What might your priority emotion?
We all deal with emotions in different ways. Some emotions show up a lot and may have a big impact on what we think, feel, or do—even if we don’t notice it right away. Read each question and choose the answer that feels most true for you most of the time.
When I feel stuck, what emotion is usually there?
A) I feel nervous, worried, or afraid.
B) I feel frustrated, mad, or like I want to argue or shut down.
C) I feel sad, ashamed, or alone.
When I look back at past choices, what emotion was guiding me the most?
A) I was trying to stay safe or avoid something going wrong.
B) I was trying to stand up for myself or stop something that felt unfair.
C) I was trying not to feel rejected, hurt, or like I failed.
Which of these do you try to avoid the most?
A) Feeling afraid or not in control.
B) Feeling angry or explosive.
C) Feeling sad, hurt, or like I don’t belong.
If I could make one feeling go away, which one would I choose?
A) Fear or anxiety
B) Anger or frustration
C) Sadness, shame, or loneliness.
Scoring:
Look at your answers. Which type did you choose the most?
Mostly A’s: Your priority emotion might be fear. You may focus on staying safe or worry a lot about what might happen, or you may put a lot of effort into trying not to feel afraid or be in situations where you might feel fear (Types 5, 6, 7).
Mostly B’s: Your priority emotion might be anger. You may often feel like you need to protect yourself or stand up against things that feel unfair. You might also put a lot of effort into trying not to feel frustrated, trying to ignore frustration that you do feel, and/or avoiding situations where you might feel anger (Types 1, 8, 9).
Mostly C’s: Your priority emotion might be sadness, shame, or loneliness. You may notice yourself pulling away, feeling down, or wondering if you’re enough. You may also put a lot of effort into trying not to feel these things and/or avoiding situations that might put you at risk for feeling these things (Types 2, 3, 4).
Okay, so what?
Now that you’ve identified your potential default, ask yourself if you are having any difficulties getting what you want or need, or if you’re feeling stuck in how to live according to your values or make progress on your goals.
If the answer is yes, it could be helpful to work on experimenting with shifting how you relate to your priority emotion. Sometimes learning to relate to it differently can open up new ways of meeting wants and needs, living out values, or progressing on goals.
Consider the Growth suggestions below to explore this.
Growth
There’s nothing wrong with feeling fear, anger, or sadness. These emotions are part of being human. But when we notice how they show up for us, we can make new choices—ones that help us live in ways that feel more like the person we want to be —>
Alternatively, you can play with this simple technique:
Pause.
Notice if you’re paying attention and putting energy into fully experiencing or trying to avoid your default priority emotion.
Take a slow breath.
Try to shift your attention and energy towards one of the other emotions that might also be present and ask yourself, “What new information am I getting as I shift my attention to something new?”
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People with a default priority emotion of fear have a brain that often prioritizes staying safe, avoiding risk, or anticipating harm, sometimes at the expense of connection, movement, or emotional openness. You may often feel anxious, nervous, or focused on staying safe. Or you may often put energy into trying not to feel anxious or nervous.
This emotional default can be protective and perceptive—but when fear consistently guides the system, it can lead to avoidance, overthinking, or difficulty trusting one’s own strength. These steps help build emotional flexibility and internal courage by inviting grounded risk-taking, presence with discomfort, and gentle self-trust.
1) Let fear be a guide—not a stop sign.
Fear often shows up to protect you, but it doesn’t always mean stop. Sometimes it means: “This matters.”
Try this: When fear arises, pause and ask: “Is there actually danger here—or just discomfort?” Then take one small step forward.
Why it can help: This activates your thinking brain, helps reality-check the fear, and builds confidence in facing life rather than avoiding it.
2) Come back to your body and let it lead.
Fear often lives in the body before it becomes a thought. Reconnecting with your body helps regulate fear and restore clarity.
Try this: When you feel fearful or overwhelmed, pause and gently scan your body: “Where is the fear living right now?” Breathe into that spot.
Why it can help: This helps your nervous system move from shutdown or tension to grounded openness.
3) Welcome all your feelings—not just the safe ones.
Avoiding uncomfortable emotions may seem protective, but it actually makes them louder. Facing them builds strength.
Try this: Instead of distracting or reframing right away, pause and say: “It’s okay to feel this.” Let it move through.
Why it can help: This builds emotional tolerance, reduces fear’s grip, and helps you access the full range of human experience.
4) Talk to the part of you that’s afraid.
Fearful parts of you often carry important stories or unmet needs. Listening doesn’t mean agreeing—it means building a bridge.
Try this: When fear arises, ask it: “What are you trying to protect me from?” or “What do you need me to know?”
Why it can help: This supports psychological flexibility and teaches your brain that fear can be heard without being in charge.
5) Shift from shrinking to expanding.
Your fear may convince you that you’re small, incapable, or fragile. But you are bigger than your fear.
Try this: Visualize yourself in a moment of strength—then imagine carrying that energy into this moment.
Why it can help: This helps the brain associate courage with embodiment, not just mindset.
6) Let yourself feel life fully—joy and pain together.
Fear often tries to avoid loss, disappointment, or criticism. But pushing these away also blocks access to deep joy and purpose.
Try this: When you catch yourself minimizing pain or over-spinning the positive, pause and ask: “What am I avoiding? Can I hold both the hard and the good here?”
Why it can help: This strengthens emotional maturity and helps your system stop equating safety with emotional control.
“What would I do right now if I wasn’t so bothered by feeling afraid?”
(Types 5, 6, 7)
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Anger can be a powerful emotional signal—but when it becomes the default lens, it may block access to vulnerability, softness, or clarity. When people have a default priority emotion of anger, their brain tends to focus on or be guided by anger in visible or hidden forms (irritation, intensity, urgency, complaint, control, or blame). You may often feel frustrated, irritable, or focused on what’s unfair. Or you might often put energy into trying not to feel frustrated or irritable.
These growth steps help build emotional flexibility, so anger becomes a cue, not a controller.
1) Recognize anger as a signal, not the whole story.
Anger often shows up first, but it usually covers something more tender—like hurt, fear, guilt, or unmet needs.
Try this: When you feel angry, pause and ask:
“What happened just before this? Is there a softer feeling underneath?”Why it can help: This allows your thinking brain to expand the emotional picture instead of reacting from autopilot intensity.
2) Let anger clarify what matters to you.
Anger often flares when something feels unjust or blocked. It can help you locate your values or needs—if you pause to listen.
Try this: Ask: “What is my anger trying to protect or restore?”
Why it can help: This moves anger from reaction to reflection, helping you act in alignment rather than defensiveness.
3) Explore the wants and needs behind the complaint.
Complaining or blaming (aloud or internally) often hides something tender and true underneath.
Try this: When you feel the urge to vent or blame, pause and ask: “What am I wanting or wishing for that isn’t happening?”
Why it can help: This turns frustration into insight and opens space for more effective action or communication.
4) Expand your emotional vocabulary beyond anger.
Your brain may default to anger and its different flavors (irritated, annoyed, etc.) because it's familiar or feels strong. But naming other emotions can bring clarity and self-trust.
Try this: Practice identifying 2–3 other feelings present alongside or beneath your anger (like disappointment, fear, confusion, guilt).
Why it can help: This teaches your brain to process complex emotional data—not just react to the loudest signal.
5) Welcome vulnerability as a strength.
It can feel risky to soften when anger has been your shield—but softness often holds your most authentic power.
Try this: When you feel resistance or intensity, breathe and say: “It’s okay to feel tender here.”
Why it can help: This trains your nervous system to stay open rather than harden—and lets others connect with the real you.
6) Honor your body’s signals of resistance.
Your body often tightens or hardens before you even feel anger. Learning to notice and release this is a powerful skill.
Try this: When tension rises, stop and scan your body: “Where do I feel tight, braced, or guarded?” Then ask: “What’s important to me here?”
Why it can help: This brings awareness to the root of your emotional reactivity and invites choice.
“How can this anger be helpful to me in the short and long-term?”
(Types 1, 8, 9)
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People with this default priority emotion have a brain that often prioritizes connection through loss, longing, or emotional self-criticism in ways that can quietly distort reality, diminish self-worth, or drain emotional energy.
If you have this kind of a brain, you may often feel down, not good enough, or like you don’t belong. Or, you might put a lot of energy into trying not to feel down or not good enough.
This emotional pattern often reflects deep emotional intelligence, but when it becomes a default, it can make it hard to trust joy, let go of the past, or claim one's own needs. Consider taking these steps towards psychological flexibility so that sadness, shame, or loneliness can become information rather than insults:
1) Name shame for what it is: a signal, not a truth.
Shame often masks unmet needs or old patterns of feeling not enough.
Try this: When you feel shame, gently say: “This is just my brain trying to protect me from disconnection. I am still worthy.”
Why it can help: This interrupts the automatic fusion between “I feel bad” and “I am bad,” helping your thinking brain reconnect with the bigger picture.
2) Differentiate between now and then.
Sadness and loneliness often carry echoes of the past. They can feel current even when they’re not.
Try this: Ask yourself: “Is this pain about what’s happening now—or what has happened before?”
Why it can help: This grounds your emotional system in the present and helps release old emotional burdens.
3) Let yourself feel— with a gentle container.
Intensely felt or avoided emotions can be a protective strategy to avoid the vulnerability of smaller, more honest feelings.
Try this: When your emotions feel overwhelming or inflated, ask: “What’s the truer, smaller feeling underneath this?”
Why it can help: This helps access real needs and reduces emotional avoidance masked as intensity.
4) Fact-check the emotional story.
Your brain may tell you, “It’s always been this bad” or “No one will ever understand.” That may feel true, but isn’t the full picture.
Try this: Ask: “What are 2–3 facts I can hold alongside this feeling?”
Why it can help: This builds psychological flexibility and supports emotional balance.
5) Allow your own needs to matter.
When sadness or shame are driving, you may overgive or neglect your needs to earn connection or avoid guilt.
Try this: When you feel emotionally drained, ask: “What have I needed that I’ve ignored?”
Why it can help: This realigns your attention to both connection and self-preservation.
6) Let emotional honesty replace emotional urgency.
Urgency and people-pleasing can mask deeper emotions like fear, anger, or grief.
Try this: If you’re rushing to fix or give, pause and ask: “What do I really feel right now? What’s the most honest response I can offer myself?”
Why it can help: This fosters authentic relating and supports you in claiming emotional space with integrity.
“What would it look like to treat myself with kindness right now?”
(Types 2, 3, 4)
What We Do With Our Emotions (Emotion Management or Regulation)
We can’t always control what emotions show up. When we’re on default, we often either automatically act on certain emotions or we automatically try to control or avoid—but we can decide how to respond to them. This is called emotion management (or emotion regulation), and it means asking yourself:
“What do I want to do with this feeling?”
We can all learn to do different things with our emotions. None of them are wrong or bad—they’re just different styles. You might notice that one of these is your go-to (default) way:
Contain & Channel
I hold the emotion in and use that energy to focus, plan, or act.
(Types 1, 3, 5)
Experience & Express
I feel the emotion fully and show or share what I’m feeling with others.
(Types 4, 6, 8)
Reframe & Redirect
I look at the emotion differently and shift my energy toward a new point of view or action.
(Types 2, 7, 9)
You likely use all three at different times, but one might feel most familiar.
What might be your default way of managing emotions?
Ultimately, emotions give us information about what our brain thinks we need in the present based on our past experiences. And throughout our lives, we tend towards one style of emotion management (or regulation) that seems to be most likely to meet our needs. This isn’t something we actively choose, but that can feel automatic. Pick the answer that sounds most like you in everyday life.
When I feel a big emotion, I usually...
A) Hold it in and try to stay in control.
B) Feel it fully and show it, cry, vent, or talk about it.
C) Try to think differently about the situation and shift how I feel.
When someone upsets me, I tend to...
A) Stay calm and take time before reacting.
B) Show how I feel or say something right away.
C) Think through their side or try to shift the story in my mind.
When I’m overwhelmed, I...
A) Focus on what I can do about it.
B) Let the emotion out—talk, move, or express it in some way.
C) Remind myself of a different way to look at it or change my focus.
When I’m trying to get through a tough moment, I usually...
A) Push through and keep going without showing much emotion.
B) Let myself feel it and maybe talk to someone about it.
C) Look for the silver lining or try to see the situation in a new way.
Scoring:
Look at your answers. Which type did you choose the most?
Mostly A’s: You may tend to contain and channel your emotions (Types 1, 3, 5).
Mostly B’s: You may tend to experience and express your emotions (Types 4, 6, 8).
Mostly C’s: You may tend to reframe and redirect your thoughts about your emotions (Types 2, 7, 9).
Okay, so what?
Now that you’ve identified your potential default, ask yourself if you are having any difficulties getting what you want or need, or if you’re feeling stuck in how to live according to your values or make progress on your goals.
If the answer is yes, it could be helpful to work on managing your emotions in a different, non-default way. Sometimes learning to manage emotions differently can open up new ways of meeting wants and needs, living out values, or progressing on goals.
Consider the Growth suggestions below to explore this.
Growth
Sometimes when we only manage our emotions in one way we miss out on meeting our needs, getting what we want, living our our values, and/or progressing towards a goal. If that is the case for you, consider these practices to help you grow and experience more flexibility in how you manage your emotions —>
Alternatively, you can play with this simple technique:
Pause
Notice if you’re managing your emotions with your default approach.
Take a slow breath
Try to shift how you’re managing your emotions by trying to manage them with one of the other strategies, and ask yourself, “What new information am I getting as I relate to my emotions differently?”
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These individuals tend to hold emotions inward, stay composed under pressure, and often focus on control, productivity, or staying strong—sometimes at the cost of deeper connection with themselves and others.
This might help you stay steady and focused, and if this is your only way of managing emotions, you might sometimes feel distant from others or like you have bottled up a lot of your emotions and then they suddenly come out in an intense burst.
This pattern reflects strength, responsibility, and endurance, but it can also create emotional bottlenecks, stress-related symptoms, and disconnection from core needs or vulnerability. Consider taking these steps to increase your psychological flexibility:
1) Let go of the need to improve. Practice allowing.
Efforts to “fix” or manage emotions can actually distance you from what you're feeling.
Try this: Gently say, “I don’t need to improve this feeling—I can just allow it to be here.”
Why it can help: It activates the thinking brain’s acceptance system, signaling safety and reducing internal pressure.
2) Use small disruptions to soften control patterns.
Perfection and self-containment can become reflexive. Breaking the pattern helps shift gears.
Try this: Skip making the bed. Wear mismatched socks. Let something be “unfinished.”
Why it can help: These minor acts of imperfection remind your nervous system that you can let go without losing self-worth.
3) Say feelings out loud—especially when they’re vulnerable.
Speaking feelings helps bridge the gap between your private awareness and relational presence.
Try this: Once a day, say a feeling aloud: “I’m a little nervous.” “I’m content right now.”
Why it can help: Naming emotions builds emotional fluency and invites authentic connection.
4) Reconnect through imagination and body awareness.
When emotions feel buried or hard to access, go through the body or the memory vault.
Try this: Recall a vivid emotional moment—joy, grief, pride—and notice what sensations show up.
Why it can help: This strengthens the emotional memory-to-body circuit and builds capacity for feeling more fully.
5) Let others in—on purpose.
You may be used to giving more than receiving. Letting others support you can feel foreign—but healing.
Try this: Say yes to small offers of help or care. Ask someone how you come across when you’re struggling.
Why it can help: This rebalance of give and take helps your brain rewire for interdependence, not over-responsibility.
6) Practice emotional generosity, not just emotional control.
You don’t have to “contain” your feelings to be a safe or steady presence for others.
Try this: Share your real response to someone’s story, even if it’s soft, sad, or uncertain.
Why it can help: This activates reciprocity and compassion, reminding both your brain and body that connection isn’t earned by strength alone.
“What would it feel like to let a little more of this emotion out?”
(Types 1, 3, 5)
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These individuals tend to feel emotions strongly and expressively—often outwardly and in the moment. This style fosters authenticity, emotional access, and intensity, but can sometimes lead to impulsive reactions, mood-driven choices, or relational strain.
If this is your style, experiencing and expressing might help you feel deeply and stay true to yourself, and if it’s your only way of managing emotions it might feel overwhelming at times to you and/or to others.
1) Create space between feeling and action.
Strong emotions often feel urgent—but they don’t always require immediate action.
Try this: Pause, count to 10, and take a slow breath before responding.
Why it can help: It allows your thinking brain to catch up with your emotional brain, helping you act in alignment with your values—not just the moment.
2) Let feelings inform you, not run you.
Your emotions carry wisdom, but they don’t always reflect all the important facts in a situation.
Try this: Ask, “What is this feeling trying to tell me—and what else might be true?”
Why it can help: This promotes emotion regulation and flexibility while still honoring what you feel.
3) Practice emotional follow-through.
It’s easy to start something when the feeling is strong. Growth comes in showing up even when it fades.
Try this: Fulfill a commitment you made yesterday—even if you don’t “feel like it” today.
Why it can help: Strengthens emotional consistency, which helps build self-trust and reliability.
4) Recenter your energy in your body.
Strong emotions can pull you into your head or out into reaction. The body can anchor you.
Try this: Put a hand on your belly. Feel your feet. Move or stretch for 5 minutes.
Why it can help: Activates bottom-up calming systems and brings awareness back to the present.
5) Channel intensity toward clarity, not blame (of self or others).
Big emotions like anger can fuel change—or rupture relationships. Let them sharpen focus, not weaponize your words to yourself or others.
Try this: When angry, ask: “What boundary or value of mine is being threatened?”
Why it can help: Reframes anger as a signal for protection, not destruction.
6) Build self-kindness into your routine.
You may have deep empathy for others, but turn judgment inward during emotional swings.
Try this: Make a short daily list: “What I did well today” or “One small kindness I gave myself.”
Why it can help: Rewires your self-talk toward compassion and steadiness.
“What would help me express this feeling in a way that balances my short- and long-term goals?”
(Types 4, 6, 8)
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These individuals tend to cope by shifting focus away from distress or discomfort—often through optimism, problem-solving, or caretaking—rather than sitting with or working through the underlying emotional experience.
Reframing the thoughts about your emotions and redirecting your emotion energy might help you bounce back and stay positive, and you might skip over emotions too quickly and not fully understand what you need (and not be able to communicate that well to others).
These steps are designed to support more embodied, integrated emotional processing:
1) Pause before reframing—stay with the real feeling first.
Your strength is finding the silver lining. Growth means allowing the full emotional experience before reframing it.
Try this: Ask, “What am I feeling underneath my instinct to move on?” and name the emotion.
Why it can help: Strengthens your tolerance for discomfort and builds emotional flexibility.
2) Practice embodied presence with emotion.
Redirecting attention to solutions or others’ needs can bypass your own body’s cues.
Try this: When you feel unsettled, place a hand on your chest or belly and ask, “What sensation is here?”
Why it can help: Builds awareness of your own internal state, helps you become grounded, and from that place more able to make choices fully informed by the information your emotions are sharing with you.
3) Let yourself receive care without earning it.
You may default to giving or fixing. Try practicing vulnerability instead.
Try this: Let someone support you fully—without offering anything in return.
Why it can help: Helps your brain remember that your worth doesn’t have to be granted through meeting certain conditions, but rather it can be experienced through relational openness and mutual care.
4) Take responsibility rather than bypassing conflict.
When things feel tense, your reflex might be to smooth things over or reframe. Instead, lean in.
Try this: Ask yourself, “What might I be avoiding by rushing to resolve?”
Why it can help: Builds trust in yourself and others by facing—not escaping—what’s hard. Doing this can help your brain realize that though it’s uncomfortable, you can survive it and continue to do it in the future, which is especially important if you need to tolerate discomfort in order to reach your goals or live out your values.
5) Ask directly for what you need.
Your ability to focus on others can obscure your own needs.
Try this: Once a day, practice saying out loud, “Here’s what I need right now.”
Why it can help: Strengthens self-advocacy and reinforces that your needs are valid without needing to justify them.
“Am I letting myself feel before I shift my focus?”
(Types 2, 7, 9)