Emotion regulation - Part 1 of 2: How to work with our emotions
We can’t always control which emotions show up, but we do get to decide what kind of relationship we want to have with them.
That choice—what you do with your feelings once they arise is called emotion regulation.
It’s not about shutting down emotions or being totally dictated by them. Instead, it’s about building the skills to notice, pause, and respond to yourself with curiosity and kindness.
Why Emotion Regulation Matters
Even though they might feel this way, emotions aren’t random accidents. They’re signals from your brain and body about what our autopilot brain believes we might need in a given moment based on our past experiences.
As you grow in your ability to notice and respond to the emotions that get activated (i.e. regulate emotions), you’re more likely to:
Respond to yourself in helpful ways.
Communicate clearly with others.
Stay focused on goals even under stress.
Decrease your vulnerability to cycles of burnout, stress, anxiety, or depression
Engage in relationships in sustainable, effective ways.
And, many of us struggle with this! When we struggle with regulating our emotions, it can look like:
Being overwhelmed by feelings
Shutting down or doing something to numb out
Struggling with intense reactions that are hard to control
Responding to our emotions in any of those ways tends to be connected to our early experiences in life and how our brain shaped itself to cope with adapt to those experiences. And, given the realities of neuroplasticity, we know that we are able to develop different ways of relating to our emotions; in other words, we are able to develop the skill of emotion regulation.
To develop the skill of emotion regulation, it’s important to care for two things:
Our bodies
Our ability to practice psychological flexibility (Part 2 of this blog)
Caring for our bodies
Because emotion regulation is about how we relate to the ways our emotions show up in our bodies, how we are taking care of our body each day is an essential part of emotion regulation. It’s very difficult to relate to our emotions (i.e. emotion regulation) when our basic self-care tasks are neglected. You think of your ability to emotionally regulate like a battery: if we’re taking care of our bodies, our battery is more full and we’re better able to regulate (and vice versa).
If you don’t know where to start taking care of your body, consider these four essential practices of care:
How’s my sleep? Am I getting enough quality sleep? Am I getting so much that I’m not able to do other things that are important to me?
How’s my nutrition? Is my body getting enough calories and the nutrients it needs to function well?
How’s my movement? Am I moving regularly enough where I break a sweat or get my heart rate up a few times a week?
How are my connections?
With myself: Have I had some time to think or breathe in the last week? Am I aware of what I want or need?
With others: When is the last time I talked with someone? Told someone else how I am feeling? When is the last time I felt helpful to others?
If you’re doing well on all of these, great! Proceed to Part 2!
If you’re not doing as well as you’d like, you’re not alone!
And, it means that you might benefit from taking some next steps to fill up ensure you’re body is getting what it needs to function well and be better able to emotionally regulate:
Sleep: If you’re struggling, consider these options. Or, talk with your primary care provider about whether or not it makes sense to work with a sleep specialist.
Nutrition: If you’re not getting enough to eat or if what you’re eating isn’t nourishing your body, consider talking with your primary care provider about consulting with a licensed dietician to figure out what kind of eating habits would best support your body.
Movement:
If you’re not moving enough, try this:
Set a timer for 10 minutes think about what types of movement you enjoy (walking, stretching, getting strong, dancing, wiggling, jumping, team sports, etc.).
Pick 1-3 of those and identify small ways you can start to do a bit more of that movement throughout your week.
Consider habit stacking or behavior replacement as strategies to help you with this.
As you start to do this regularly, increase the amount of time you do this so that you’re getting sweaty at least 2-3x each week.
If you’re getting too much movement that you’re starting to injure yourself or it’s difficult to make time for other important relationships or activities, talk with your primary care provider and/or a therapist to explore what next steps to take to realign your movement habits with the kind of life you want.
Connection:
With yourself: Working on emotion regulation requires that we are regularly taking time to check-in with ourselves.
This can be taking 5-20 minutes each day to journal. Consider these prompts:
Brain dump: what’s on my mind today? Set a timer for five minutes and write it all down.
Three things: In the last 24 hours, what is one thing I’m grateful for, one thing I enjoyed, and one way I’m proud of myself?
Emotion check-in: Consider trying the 3x3 exercise.
It can be pausing during the day and asking: What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What am I doing?
You could consider downloading the How We Feel app or the Finch app to help prompt you to pause and check-in.
With others: Just like you can build connection with yourself in small, steady steps, you can also build connection with others. In the section below, identify where you are starting and explore what options you can take given your starting point:
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Start small with low-pressure contact, like greeting a cashier, smiling at a neighbor, or making a short comment in an online group.
Consider anonymous or one-time connection, like calling a warmline, participating in a guided meditation livestream, or attending a drop-in support group where no long-term commitment is expected.
Even noticing others’ presence—sitting in a café, walking in a park, or being around people without engaging—can begin to gently reawaken the social brain.
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Send a quick text to someone you trust, even something simple like “thinking of you” or sharing a photo.
Try “parallel connection”—doing something alongside someone else without much pressure to talk (watching a show together, crafting, walking, or playing a game).
Join a structured group setting (like a class, D&D, book group, or therapy group) where connection happens around a shared activity rather than unstructured conversation.
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Practice reaching out with a clear, small ask (“Could we talk for 10 minutes?” or “Can you check in on me this week?”).
Choose one trusted person to confide in and share even a small piece of what you’re feeling.
Reconnect through shared joy, not just stress—invite someone to do something fun or meaningful, which strengthens your bond before you need to lean on it.
Consider reciprocal support—offering a listening ear as well as asking for one can strengthen trust and reduce the vulnerability of reaching out.
I think of these as the ‘unsexy’ parts of mental health—sometimes boring, daily practices that may not feel profound or influential in the moment, but as we do them over time, they fill up our battery and help us be better able to build a relationship with our emotions (rather than shutting them down, avoiding them, or being totally dictated by them).
If you are working on these, or feel you are in a good place with sleep, nutrition, movement, and connection, head over the Part 2 of this blog for next steps on learning and practicing your emotion regulation skills.
