Chronic helplessness and reclaiming agency
What is the invisible wall that stands between you and the life you want to live?
For many, it's the feeling of being stuck—a sense that no matter what we do, the outcome is out of our hands.
While this feeling is often makes a lot of sense, modern psychology and neuroscience have found that our sense of control, or 'agency', isn't a fixed trait but a dynamic process we can actively influence.
I wanted to take some time to demystify chronic helplessness to help you have more understanding about why you feel stuck, and some tangible ways to start to reclaim your sense that what you do makes a difference in your life.
1. Feeling constantly stuck or helpless may be related to trauma
Trauma is an experience that has two parts: the traumatic event and the traumatic stress our brain continues to activate afterwards.
Conversations about trauma on social media often conflate the two while mainly using trauma to talk about traumatic stress.
Most people who go through a traumatic event experience traumatic stress for a few weeks after the event. However, whether or not that turns into traumatic stress experienced over the long-term is based on our individual and unique combination of vulnerabilities and protective factors. You can learn more about that here.
When we are feeling constantly stuck or helpless, it may be an experience of our brain activating traumatic stress after a traumatic event or series of events.
This makes a lot of sense because trauma, whether it happened once or repeatedly, significantly impacts how our brain understands our own sense of power and control (which we live out through the word called agency).
Depending on our combination of protective factors and vulnerabilities, we might be able to return to a sense of agency that works well for us.
And for many people, without support, their brains might decide that the best way to cope with a trauma is to activate a powerful belief that “I am helpless to change anything.” Though this is awful to feel, our brains might believe that it ultimately keeps us safe from future trauma and thus is worth how awful it feels.
Sometimes it has been going on for so long, it has started to feel less like trauma and more like our personality. If it gets to this point, it likely means that:
The way our brain has helped us cope with trauma has formed both the wonderful parts of who we are and the more challenging parts of who we are
We may need to first prepare to address what we might lose if we stop feeling chronically helpless. That might sound counterintuitive, but if we have felt chronically helpless for a long time, it means our brain has likely found some benefits from it. This isn’t a character flaw at all - just evidence of how amazing our brain is. What it does mean is that we need to understand what those losses might be and adequately prepare for them.
2. Healing from chronic helplessness starts with self-validation
For all kinds of reasons that make sense within our lives, we might have developed a way of relating to ourselves that is ultimately invalidating.
While we might feel like it’s our “feel better now” reflex, this reflex sometimes makes things worse by trying to get rid of emotions, body sensations, urges, and thoughts that our brain has activated.
When we do this, it’s similar to telling our mouth to stop feeling cold after a popsicle. Our mouths will stop feeling cold with time and warm water, but once the neurochemicals of the sensation of cold have been activated they are here. This means trying to tell them not to be here and then get frustrated that our mouth hasn’t gotten warmer right when we say it should quickly becomes an unsuccessful and frustrating effort
You can read more about this reflex HERE. For our purposes though, we want to focus on how to validate ourselves.
Validation ultimately means being able to say to yourself, “This is what I am feeling, and even though I don’t like it, I accept that the feeling is here and it makes sense why it’s here.” It also means being able to acknowledge a feeling without immediately suppressing it or acting on it.
Starting with self-validation is essential for healing from chronic helplessness.
This is because if we are constantly invalidating ourselves, we are going to feel increasingly powerless to help ourselves. Surfing the urge to invalidate and instead acting towards ourselves with validation is the first way we can feel some agency with what’s going on inside of us.
Here are some different ways we can validate ourselves:
Acknowledge and name our internal experiences
Identify that we are having emotions, thoughts, body sensations and urges, and then label them, “I feel anxious right now,” or “I am having an urge to escape.”
If you need some help with or language for this, head over here.
Normalize and contextualize
This includes offering yourself “radical genuineness” (Linehan, 2015) where you try to understand how your reaction makes sense given your circumstances. This can sound like, “Given the situation, it makes sense that I am feeling frustrated.”
Offer yourself permission
Sometimes we’ve had past experiences where our brain has learned that we don’t have permission to feel things. Your circumstances have likely changed since then and it can help to catch our brains up, “I am allowed to feel this way now.”
Remind yourself that having feelings isn’t a moral failing
Internal experiences (emotions, thoughts, body sensations, urges) are all part of how our body tries to understand and respond to the world. They are more like sneezes than sins. Just like a sneeze is the body’s response to something that’s causing itchiness in a nose, sadness is the body’s response to an experience of loss, frustration is the body’s response to an experience that we want changed. You can try saying this, “I am feeling this way because my body is trying to give me information. It doesn’t mean I’m broken or bad even though I might be having those thoughts.”
Try to notice and surf the urge to judge yourself
We might have a brain habit of being really hard on ourselves. This habit likely helped us in many ways, and when it comes to chronic helplessness it often keeps us stuck and feeling powerless. When you notice a judgment thought, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” try to get grounded and label it “That’s a judgment thought,” then rather than trying to act on it or make it go away, notice it, “I am having a judgment thought about my feelings of anger.” Treat the feelings and the judgment like a wave that you can ride (i.e. surf) rather than something that needs to be stopped or acted on immediately.
Identify the needs your feelings are communicating
Emotions often are signals that you have an unmet need. Taking some time to understand what the need is and then identifying what you can do to meet it can often help decrease how often or intensely the emotion is activated in the future. “I’m feeling sad today because I’m lonely and need to be around some people who can ask me questions about my life. Who could I text about that?”
If you need some help with or language for this, head over here.
Though it may feel small, the first step to healing helpless is to start to experience the power you do have with yourself: to acknowledge, validate, allow, and listen to your own internal signals.
3. It can help to shift how you talk about yourself
According to Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT), human language itself can significantly contribute to suffering. This can often happen when our brain uses words that turn a temporary state into a permanent identity. There’s a very dramatic name for this process: "destructive normality."
What that dramatic name is referring to is what psychologists call "global, internal, unchangeable attributions." And what that means in more understandable terms is that there is a difference between these two statements, and that the difference can be a big, important one:
"I am depressed."
When we talk about ourselves this way, we are more likely to feel like the experience is as unchangeable as your name or eye color.
"I am feeling depressed right now," or "I am having the thought that I'm depressed."
When we talk about ourselves this way, we are are more likely to see our experience in a realistic way. In this example, though we might have been given a diagnosis of depression at some point in our lives, it doesn’t mean that we will always be constantly depressed.
This way of referring to ourselves points us more to the facts of these internal experiences: many of these difficult moments are either temporary or manageable, and they are not automatically who we are or part of our personality now and forever.
This shift is based in the realities of neuroplasticity and personality:
Research shows that the brain is continually capable of forming new connections, adjusting emotional responses, and learning different habits of thought and behavior across the lifespan (Kolb & Gibb, 2014).
Personality research likewise suggests that while we each have temperamental tendencies, traits are not fixed essences but patterns that can shift through intentional practice, life events, and supportive environments (Roberts et al., 2017).
In ACT terms, this means that no single thought, feeling, or diagnostic label has to define us permanently. We can if we let it! And seeing the small way we can choose to make a shift in this can be very helpful in healing from chronic helplessness.
4. Embrace the “ugh” of doing hard things
An interesting study on individuals with depressive symptoms revealed a counterintuitive truth: exerting significant effort, even on a task you don’t like or want to do, can enhance your sense of control. You can read more about that study here.
While that study might point to an important reality we can access, sometimes we first need to learn how to not be dominated by the “ugh, I don’t want to do this,” feeling-thought combination. Dr. J. Russell Ramsay offers these suggestions:
Label it: Be specific if you can! Say, “‘This is my I hate doing taxes’ stress coming up.” Sometimes labeling can help make the “ugh” a little less intense.
Normalize that you’ll never be in the mood to do it: It’s okay to do something that you don’t feel like you want to do. Often waiting until we feel like doing something or until circumstances are just right can get us caught in a trap of perfectionism. Being able to choose to do something even when we aren’t feeling like doing it is a way we can experience ourselves having some agency (power/control).
Give it structure:
Try creating a checklist or sequence for the task, building up to other hard stuff. Russell gives the example:
“Instead of: “I will work on my essay.”
Think: Go to study station > open laptop to document > review the two paragraphs I wrote last time > spend 5 minutes brainstorming the next part.”
Define the scope. Russell suggests defining it based on time, task, or terrain:
Time-Based (can help to give the task a when and where):
Instead of: “I’m going to unload the dishwasher.”
Try: “I will spend the next 5 minutes unloading dishes.”
Instead of: “I’ll study on Tuesday.”
Think: “At 7 pm on Tuesday, I will head to the library to study for my exam.”
Instead of: “I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment.”
Think: “On Friday, I will call my doctor while I take my post-lunch walk.”
Task-Based:
Instead of: “I’m going to study.”
Try: “I will work on at least three problems.”
Terrain-Based:
Instead of: “I will clean my bedroom today.”
Try: “I will wipe down all visible surfaces.”
Give yourself clear markers or progress that are easy to return to by using “If/when X then Y”. Russell suggests these examples:
When I’ve read 10 pages, then I will take a 3-minute break.
If I can sit at my desk, then I can work on my presentation for the next 10 minutes.
When I finish my coffee break, then I will spend 20 minutes organizing the closet.
If I collect all my income statements (W-2s, 1099s) for my taxes, then I will place them in a labeled folder and make a note to gather deduction documents next.
It might go better than you think: Our brains can easily go overboard with threat detection, especially if we have been stuck for awhile. Our brain is a prediction machine, and though sometimes the predictions come true, what is more factual is that we often act on the predictions and make them come true. There is no evidence that humans have evolved to be able to forecast the future in a consistent and reliable way, so until then, remind yourself that while there’s a risk that doing something for 10 minutes could feel awful and useless, you genuinely don’t know that until you try it.
Coach yourself through it: Russell suggests saying out loud to yourself, “Okay, [name], you just need to open the book first. Then it’s two pages of reading. Yes, it sucks, but you can still read despite your discomfort. You know you’ll feel so much better after you do it.”
Remind yourself that some progress, however small, is better than none.
For a brain feeling chronically helpless, the last thing it wants is a hard task. And, if you can use these small strategies to embrace the “ugh” and take steps towards it, the science indicates that the thing you are resisting might be helpful to your liberation. It's not about feeling motivated first; it's about acting your way into a new feeling of agency.
5. Surf the urge to rely on others to tell you what to do
The "empowerment model," used to support survivors of domestic violence, offers a profound lesson for anyone trying to help a person who feels powerless: true help involves restoring autonomy, not dictating solutions.
While this might make sense, it can be difficult to put into practice with ourselves.
If we’ve had repeated experiences where we have felt controlled, isolated, micromanaged, and bullied, our brain will need time and support to relearn that when our circumstances have changed, it is safe-enough for us to practice agency. And during that recovery, it can be easy to default into the dynamic of having someone tell us what to do. Though it feels familiar, if we stay in this default it can ultimately undermine our sense of control.
This is because genuine empowerment starts with being able to identify our own needs and experience ourselves taking steps to meet them. Because this is overwhelming sometimes, it can help to start with the 1% exercise:
Identify an area for change: Choose one area in your life where you’d like to improve, like your daily routine, stress management, or productivity.
Ask yourself: What’s one small thing I can change that would make this just 1% better?
For example, if you want to be more productive, you might decide to spend 5 extra minutes planning your day each morning.
If you want to improve stress management, maybe you decide to take a 10-minute walk after lunch.
Test the change: Try out this small change for a few days or a week to see how it feels. Small, gradual changes are often easier to stick with and don’t feel overwhelming.
Evaluate: After a week, ask yourself: Did this small change help? If it did, keep doing it! If not, try a different 1% improvement.
The empowerment model emphasizes that restoring our agency involves us being fully in the driver’s seat rather than relying on someone else to tel us what to do - even when they might be somewhat qualified!
Sometimes, this is particularly difficult to do. If this is the case for you, it might help to start to learn more about thoughts, beliefs, and memories and I recommend starting here.
6. Optimism can be learned
Psychologist Martin Seligman’s research has shown us that just as helplessness can be learned, so can its direct antidote: optimism.
Learned helplessness is the belief, learned through repeated uncontrollable events, that you have no control over stressors. It's the cognitive root of giving up.
Learned optimism is the idea that a talent for joy can be cultivated. It's a skill acquired by intentionally exploring and shifting negative self-talk and allowing yourself to have new experiences, which can start to change how your brain explains yourself to yourself.
The key is paying attention to when your thoughts and actions fall into the three P’s categories, and how to care for them so that they are more helpful and realistic.
The three P’s are three kinds of thoughts and actions that tend to feel better in the short-term but in the long-term keep us stuck in chronic helplessness: permanence, pervasiveness, and personalization. Here’s how they look in a situation where you failed a test:
Permanence: Seeing the cause as permanent - "I'm never going to get this subject".
Temporary/Conditional: To heal from chronic helplessness, we want to learn the skill of right-sizing permanence and seeing the situation as temporary or based on conditions - "I didn't prepare well for this test".
Pervasiveness: Letting the situation bleed into everything - "I'm a failure at everything".
Fact-based compartmentalization: Seeing the limits of the situation based on observable facts - "I'm not great at the subject this test was about one thing, but I'm good at other subjects since I’ve gotten good grades in those classes".
Personalization: Internalizing blame - "I'm just stupid".
Balance self-responsibility and external factors: Most situations exist because of a combination of things we can and cannot control. When we’ve experienced trauma or chronic helplessness, our brain may have tried to help us feel more in control by making us take responsibility for things we don’t have control over. When we default to this, we want to shift into a fact-based balance: "I could have studied a few more hours, and the test was unusually hard as most people failed".
Seligman offers a method for learning this that he calls the ABCDE model. You can learn more about it here. This model works well in some situations, but isn’t necessarily the most helpful when it comes to experiences of chronic helplessness or trauma, so I’ve adapted it here to ABCRA (think of abracadabra!):
A – Adversity (Name what happened)
Begin with simply noticing the challenge without judgment.
For trauma survivors, even labeling the situation is progress.
Example: “I failed the test.”
B – Body & Belief (Notice automatic responses)
Include both body sensations and thoughts since trauma often shows up somatically.
This step validates that your nervous system and your beliefs are responding in predictable ways.
Example: “My chest feels heavy, my stomach is tight, and the thought in my head is, ‘I’m just stupid.’”
C – Consequence (Honor the impact)
Instead of rushing to prove why the thought is wrong, pause to validate feelings and notice the consequences in emotions, urges, and behavior.
Example: “I feel ashamed and want to avoid talking about it.”
R – Regulation & Reframe (Soften the response)
Start with regulation skills (breathing, grounding, safe movement, self-compassion statement) before introducing cognitive reframe.
Trauma-informed reframing is less about arguing with the thought and more about offering a fact-based, balanced perspective.
Example: “I could have studied more, and the test was unusually hard—most people failed.”
A – Action/Alternative (Choose a small next step)
Instead of “Energization,” which can feel too ambitious for chronic helplessness, focus on a realistic, empowering action or alternative.
This reinforces agency and neuroplasticity: even one small step creates a new experience of control.
Example: “I’ll review the material with a friend for 30 minutes. That’s a manageable step forward.”
7. Find therapy that works for you and anticipate that this may change over time
Therapy is often quite helpful when we’re experiencing chronic helplessness. If you try the above steps and are still feeling stuck, you may want to consider getting help from a licensed, mental health professional.
As you do that, it’s important to know that there is no single best therapy for everyone. Research shows that the optimal approach depends on an individual's baseline level of chronic helplessness. And, as you change and grow through therapy, you may find that what kind of therapy you need also changes. There tend to be three categories of treatment to consider:
High-structure, behaviorally oriented (HSB) treatment. This approach "emphasizes the identification of problems and the development of short-term goals," with the therapist taking an "active" role in directing the client.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) – Helps identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts, and replace them with more balanced perspectives; includes behavioral activation.
Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) - It’s a manualized, structured, short-term CBT-based treatment for PTSD. Focuses on identifying “stuck points” and systematically challenging maladaptive trauma-related beliefs.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) – Skills-focused (emotion regulation, distress tolerance, mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness) with high structure and therapist direction.
Behavioral Activation (BA) – Targets depression and learned helplessness directly by re-engaging in meaningful activities.
Exposure Therapy / Prolonged Exposure / Response Prevention (PE/RP) – Uses structured, graded exposure to reduce avoidance and build mastery.
Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) – Therapist directs the conversation toward achievable short-term goals and practical problem-solving.
Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) – Highly directive cognitive-behavioral method that disputes irrational beliefs and replaces them with rational alternatives.
Motivational Interviewing (MI) – Uses directive strategies to strengthen motivation for change by exploring and resolving ambivalence.
Behavior Therapy – Directly targets behavior through reinforcement, shaping, and skills training.
Low-structure, facilitative (LSF) treatment. This style "focuses on feelings and conflicts," with the therapist "following the client's lead."
Psychodynamic/Attachment Therapy – Focuses on unconscious conflicts, attachment, and the relational patterns that perpetuate helplessness.
Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) – Helps clients process and re-organize emotional experiences by following their affect in the room.
Existential Therapy – Explores meaning, choice, and responsibility in the face of life’s challenges.
Narrative Therapy – Encourages clients to tell and re-author their stories in a way that restores agency.
Person-Centered (Rogerian) Therapy – Non-directive, grounded in unconditional positive regard, empathy, and congruence.
Gestalt Therapy – Uses awareness, experiential techniques, and dialogue to help clients integrate parts of self and unfinished experiences.
Jungian / Depth-Oriented Therapy – Emphasizes symbolism, dreams, and exploration of unconscious material.
Humanistic/Experiential Therapy – General category of therapies prioritizing self-actualization, authenticity, and client-led meaning-making.
Hybrids of the two: These treatments combine structured protocols with client-led exploration. The therapist provides scaffolding and skills while also following the client’s lead in processing and meaning-making.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) – Uses an eight-phase structured protocol for trauma treatment, but during memory reprocessing the client’s brain guides the associations while the therapist maintains a supportive container.
Brainspotting – Combines structured use of eye positions and somatic attunement with a highly client-led process. The therapist follows the client’s nervous system while offering relational presence and support.
Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) – Provides structured exercises and skills (mindfulness, defusion, values work) while also emphasizing openness, personal meaning, and client-chosen directions for growth.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) – Has a clear model for mapping parts and accessing Self, but the therapist largely follows the client’s inner experience and pacing.
Schema Therapy – Offers structured interventions (mode work, imagery rescripting, skills practice) while also exploring deep emotional needs and early experiences.
Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT) – Includes structured psychoeducation and compassion-building practices while also making space for client-led exploration of shame and emotional blocks.
Relational-Cultural Therapy (RCT) – Provides a framework for understanding connection and disconnection patterns while prioritizing mutuality and client-led exploration of relationships.
Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT) – Highly evidence-based, with structured focus on role transitions, disputes, grief, and interpersonal deficits; combines directive problem-solving with emotional exploration.
Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) – Uses structured mindfulness practices and CBT principles while also cultivating an open, client-led stance toward thoughts and emotions.
Somatic Experiencing (SE) – Has clear protocols for tracking and discharging trauma in the nervous system, but relies heavily on following the client’s bodily awareness and pacing.
Sensorimotor Psychotherapy – Integrates somatic regulation and trauma processing with a balance of therapist guidance and client-led exploration.
What this means for you is that the most effective help is help that meets you where you are. A person feeling deeply helpless and overwhelmed may need a more directive "scaffold" (HSB) to begin making changes, or they might need to learn how to start to validate themselves by receiving that from a more LSF treatment. Here are some questions to consider:
1) Do you want to focus on solving specific problems right now, or on exploring deeper meaning and self-awareness?
Problem-focused approaches (like CBT or Behavior Therapy) are goal-oriented and practical.
Meaning-focused approaches (like Existential or Gestalt Therapy) help you explore purpose, values, and self-understanding.
2) Do you want to work mainly on what’s happening in your life today, or do you want to explore how your past might still be affecting you?
Present-focused therapies (like CBT, DBT, or ACT) help you build skills for current challenges.
Past-focused therapies (like Psychodynamic or Attachment-based approaches) dive into early experiences and unconscious patterns.
3) Do you want a therapist who gently supports you at your own pace, or one who takes a more active, guiding role?
Supportive approaches (like Person-Centered Therapy or Motivational Interviewing) emphasize empathy and following your lead.
Directive approaches (like Schema Therapy or DBT) provide clear feedback, structure, and skills.
4) Do you prefer a therapy with a clear roadmap and set tools, or something more open-ended and exploratory?
Structured approaches (like Schema Therapy or EMDR) follow a well-defined process.
Open-ended approaches (like IFS or Narrative Therapy) allow more freedom to follow what comes up.
5) How important is research evidence for your choice?
If you want a therapy with lots of scientific studies for your concern, options like PE, CPT, EMDR, or DBT are strong.
If you’re more drawn to approaches that focus on meaning, growth, and self-understanding, you may choose something with a less rigid evidence base but a strong history of helping people (like Existential or Gestalt Therapy).
Final thoughts
Even when helplessness feels overwhelming, healing begins with small choices. Each time you validate your own feelings, take one step toward a task despite the “ugh,” you strengthen your sense of agency, or start a therapy approach that appeals to what you genuinely are curious about (rather than what you should do). These small acts are not insignificant—they’re your brain learning that what you do matters. Over time, those choices build momentum, helping you move from feeling stuck to feeling empowered.
