Using Non-Violent Communication (NVC)
Non-Violent Communication (NVC) gives us a simple, step-by-step way to share what’s going on inside of us in a way that makes it more likely we’ll be heard and understood.
It doesn’t guarantee agreement (we can’t control how other people respond), but it does help us remove common barriers—like blame, defensiveness, or unclear messages—that get in the way of real connection.
These steps are:
Step 1: Say what you see.
Try to stick with the tangible things we can literally see.
Step 2: Say how you feel.
Be clear and simple about your feelings (e.g. nervous, confused) rather than interpretations and thoughts (e.g. “I feel like you are upset with me”).
Step 3: Name what you need.
Identify and share the needs that aren’t being met.
Step 4: Ask for what helps.
Invite them to consider helping you meet that need. Ultimately we are the only ones required to meet our own needs. We can definitely ask others to collaborate with us in that process, and how we ask can increase or decrease the likelihood of their willingness to collaborate.
And, communicating this way is often most doable after noticing your initial reaction and then thinking it through a bit.
So let’s figure out how NVC can be implemented:
1) Your brain and nervous system have an initial reaction to something/someone.
If you’re able to have it without fully acting on it, big kudos to you! This takes some real brain muscles.
If this is tough for you (as it is for most people), consider learning about and trying out emotion surfing or the 3x3 practice.
2) You pause and take a breath.
First, put down anything in your hands and allow them to rest in your lap.
Then, if you’d like you can close your eyes, or you can pick a point to let your eyes rest.
Now, inhale slowly through your nose. And then exhale slowly through your mouth.
Now, try going slightly more slowly than you just did. Inhale through your nose. And exhale through your mouth.
Then do it one last time, going slightly more slowly than the one you did before. Inhale through your nose. And exhale through your mouth.
After this third inhale and exhale, allow your breathing to return to normal. As you do, notice how your body feels. Notice your chest rise. Feel the air move through your nose or mouth.
If breathing isn’t helpful for you, consider trying the 54321 exercise.
3) Take your initial reaction and think it through.
It’s so easy and very tempting to rush into conversations based on our initial reactions.
We feel bad and we don’t want to anymore, so our autopilot brain wants us to quickly get rid of the bad feelings.
And when we do that, it’s likely that we’ll regret the words that come out (and sometimes think about them again and again and again afterwards).
Taking our initial reaction and thinking it through can make a significant difference in how you feel during and after the conversation.
Here’s what preparation might sound like in your own mind:
How do I feel? Name the emotion in its simplest form: hurt, scared, sad, confused, angry. If you don’t feel confident about doing this well, learn more about how to improve here.
What led up to this feeling? What actually happened, step by step?
What are the observable facts? Stick to what you saw or heard.
What’s interpretation vs. fact? Notice if your mind is adding a story about intentions (“They don’t care about me”) that you can’t prove.
What need is under this feeling? Anger often signals a need for change. Sometimes this change is external: someone is doing something that you don’t want them to. Sometimes this change is internal: you might be having other feelings your brain doesn’t want you to be having like sadness. And sometimes it’s both at the same time! Use your emotions to help you identify what need(s) you might have in this situation.
Which part of that need could someone else help with? You might not expect them to fix everything, but they could play a part.
How will I handle a ‘no’? Thinking this through keeps you from acting on an urge to blame, make unhelpful or unrealistic demands, or spiraling afterwards if they can’t help you meet your need.
4) Communicate clearly and kindly
Once you’ve prepared, you can communicate through the four core NVC steps:
Say what you see.
Say how you feel.
Name what you need.
Ask for what helps.
There are three examples of how to do that towards the end of this blog.
5) Listen as well as you speak
NVC isn’t just about what you say.
Once you’ve spoken, how you listen matters just as much.
Two skills help keep the conversation open:
SKILL #1: Reflective listening: Trying to make sure you really understand what they are saying before you respond. The easiest way to do this is to repeat back to them what you thought you heard and invite clarification. It could sound like this: “It seems like you were trying to keep things light or funny in the group, and it didn’t occur to you that I might be feeling raw about what I shared.”
It can also help to follow each of these statements with something like, “That’s what I heard - is that what you were saying?” or “Did I get that right?” or “What am I missing?”
Reflecting back to people what you’re hearing doesn’t mean you agree; it means you’re trying to fully understand what is being said before figuring out if you actually agree or not.
SKILL #2: Validation: Actively and genuinely acknowledge the ways that you understand why they might be feeling how they’re feeling, even if you see things differently. It could sound like this: “I know it’s hard sometimes to slow down and sort out who contributed what when ideas are flying in conversation—I imagine you weren’t trying to leave me out.”
Validation is also not agreeing with someone, but is demonstrating that you understand why they might be acting how they are acting (rather than trying to immediately get them to change).
If you don’t understand, don’t pretend! Move into curiosity until you really have a sense for their “why”.
Emotions, body sensations, and urges can pretty much universally be validated as they are often activated by our autopilot brain without us choosing.
Only validate what is valid: Thoughts or beliefs don’t need to be automatically validated. While the emotions that come with them might make sense, if someone’s thoughts or beliefs do not match the tangible facts it might not make sense to validate those.
6) Care for yourself through the hard moments
Even with helpful communication strategies, tough moments and feeling disappointed can happen.
Maybe the other person says no to your request. Maybe they react defensively.
Here are three common automatic responses our human brains activate—and what to do instead:
Defensiveness: You want to explain, fight back, or blame yourself or the other person.
Instead, notice that urge and try to surf it (let yourself feel it without acting on it). Then, pause and try to understand their point before responding.
Rushing to solutions: You feel pressure to “fix it fast.”
Instead, notice that urge and try to surf it (“I really want to fix this now, and I don’t have to act on that immediately,”). Then, take time to explore needs on both sides before deciding on next steps.
Overpromising: You want to smooth things over by saying yes to something you can’t deliver.
Notice if you have the urge to do that and allow it to be present without acting on it. Then, try, “I need to think about that and get back to you.”
And when a request isn’t met?
It’s very normal to feel disappointed. And even if it’s normal, that doesn’t mean it feels less bad.
Rather than exploding (“Why do I even bother asking?”) or withdrawing (“Fine, I’ll do it myself”), try:
“I’m feeling hurt about the answer being no, and I understand your reasons and will figure out another way forward.”
“This didn’t work out the way I hoped. I need some time to process.”
Managing disappointment with self-kindness can help keep the relationship intact and protect your own mental health.
7) Notice patterns and adjust
Practicing NVC doesn’t mean we have to allow someone with a pattern of crossing our boundaries to continue to do so.
It is a very important first step to take as we want to make sure we are doing our due diligence to address anything we are bringing to a relationship dynamic.
And, if someone is repeatedly not responding to our requests, we likely need to make a larger change in the situation to ensure we are able to meet our needs and care for ourselves.
Making this a practice
The first few times you try NVC, it may feel awkward or scripted. That’s normal. The more you practice over time, the more you’ll figure out how to make it work for you and in your relationships.
The goal isn’t perfect conversations or getting your way every time. The goal is creating connection, understanding, and respect—even in hard moments.
Examples:
Example #1: Your partner tends to give solutions when you just want to vent.
Your initial reaction: “They aren’t listening! They jump into problem-solving and when I ask for something else, they get defensive and mad, and then we both shut down. I just want them to listen to me; why can’t they get that?”
Take a breath
Think it through:
How do I feel?
Frustrated, hurt, and a bit alone
What led up to this feeling? What actually happened, step by step?
You had a hard day and wanted to vent.
You shared some of your experiences or feelings with your partner.
They responded by offering solutions.
You asked for a different kind of support (probably to just listen).
They became defensive or upset.
The conversation shut down and you both withdrew emotionally.
What are the observable facts?
You shared something about your day.
Your partner offered solutions.
You asked them to respond differently.
They became upset.
You both stopped talking or engaging.
What’s interpretation vs. fact?
Facts:
They offered solutions.
They got upset when you asked for something else.
You felt alone or unheard.
Interpretations:
“They aren’t listening.”
“They don’t care about what I need.”
“They always do this.”
What need is under this feeling?
To feel heard and emotionally supported.
To feel like your experience matters to your partner.
Possibly a need for attunement—feeling like someone gets where you’re coming from.
Which part of that need could someone else help with?
Your partner can help by pausing and checking in about the kind of support you want, “Do you want me to listen or help with problem-solving?”
How will I handle a ‘no’?
Remind yourself they might not always get it right and it doesn’t mean they don’t care.
You can say, “I appreciate you trying to help—and I think I just need someone to listen.”
If they’re unable to offer what you need at the moment, (maybe they say, “It’s so hard to see you hurt, I can’t just stand by”) you can:
Reiterate that their listening is most helpful when you’re hurt.
Express your sadness and notice your grief, “I appreciate your care and I’m sad that you’re not able to just listen sometimes,” and then turn to someone else or write out your feelings.
When you’re ready, put your preparations into NVC and communicate:
Say what you see: “When I shared about my hard day yesterday, I noticed you jumped in with ideas to fix it.
Say how you feel: “I felt frustrated and a bit alone in it, like I wasn’t really being heard.”
Name what you need: “I think I needed some space to just process out loud and feel supported.”
Ask for what helps: “Would you be open to asking me first if I’m looking for support or solutions when I bring something up?”
Respond to them with:
Reflective listening: “It sounds like when I share something hard, your instinct is to jump into action because you really want to help or fix it—and maybe that feels like the most caring thing you can do.”
Validation: “I can see how it might feel frustrating or confusing when I ask for something different than solutions—it makes sense that might catch you off guard, especially if you’re trying to support me in the way that makes sense to you.”
Example #2: Your friend makes light of something you shared that felt really vulnerable to you.
Your initial reaction: “Oh no! I feel so stupid. Why did I share that? Every time I speak I get dismissed because I have emotions. That sucks.”
Take a breath
Think it through:
How do I feel?
Embarrassed, hurt, dismissed, vulnerable
What led up to this feeling? What actually happened, step by step?
You shared something emotionally vulnerable about your family.
Your friend responded by making a joke, calling you the “deep one” in the group.
This moment felt like your emotions were being dismissed or made into a punchline.
You felt exposed and began to regret opening up
What are the observable facts?
You talked about something that happened with your family.
Your friend responded by joking that you're always the “deep one.
The rest of the group may have laughed or the conversation moved on.
What’s interpretation vs. fact?
Facts:
You shared something personal.
Your friend made a comment that framed you as the “deep one.”
You felt hurt and exposed.
Interpretations:
“They don’t take me seriously.”
“I’m always dismissed.”
“I’m too emotional.”
What need is under this feeling?
For emotional safety in relationships.
To be respected and taken seriously.
Tor care and sensitivity when sharing something personal.
Tor reassurance that your emotions are valid.
Which part of that need could someone else help with?
Your friend can help by responding with care or curiosity rather than humor when you share something deep.
They can check in before joking or offer validation afterward.
How will I handle a ‘no’?
Remind yourself that humor might be their way of meeting their own needs in that moment—not necessarily a reflection of how they value you.
If they can’t offer that kind of sensitivity, you can set boundaries around what you share, or seek out people who can hold space for emotional honesty.
You can affirm to yourself: “My emotions are valid even if someone else doesn’t get it.”
When you’re ready, put your preparations into NVC and communicate:
Say what you see: “When I told you about what happened with my family, you joked that I’m always the ‘deep one’ in the group.”
Say how you feel: “I felt dismissed and kind of exposed.”
Name what you need: “I need to feel safe being emotionally honest without worrying it’ll be turned into a punchline.”
Ask for what helps: “Would you be willing to check in with me if something I share feels intense instead of making a joke?”
Respond to them with:
Reflective listening: “It seems like you were trying to keep things light or funny in the group, and it didn’t occur to you that I might be feeling raw about what I shared.”
Validation: “I get that humor can sometimes be helpful in difficult moments—and I know it’s not always easy to tell when something is a big deal for someone else.”
Example #3: A colleague frequently emails your supervisor with ideas you brought up in private 1:1s, taking visible credit.
Your initial reaction: “Omigosh! I cannot believe that they did this again. They are so lazy - not doing any of the work and getting all of the credit. And there’s nothing I can do - if I bring it up, I’ll just be petty. I’m never telling them anything again.”
Take a breath
Think it through:
How do I feel?
Frustrated, discouraged, disempowered, betrayed
What led up to this feeling? What actually happened, step by step?
You shared an idea in a private 1:1 brainstorming conversation with your colleague.
Later, they sent an email to your supervisor or the team presenting that idea—without crediting you.
This has happened more than once.
You noticed the pattern and felt a mix of anger, hurt, and resignation.
What are the observable facts?
You and the colleague discussed ideas privately.
Afterward, your colleague sent out emails with those same ideas.
Your name was not included or mentioned in those emails.
The supervisor and possibly others now associate the idea with your colleague.
What’s interpretation vs. fact?
Facts:
Your ideas were discussed.
Your colleague shared similar ideas publicly.
You were not named.
Interpretations:
“They’re stealing my work.”
“They’re lazy and manipulative.”
“I can’t say anything without seeming petty.”
What need is under this feeling?
For fairness and recognition.
For professional respect.
To feel safe and valued when collaborating.
Possibly the need for protection from exploitation or erasure.
Which part of that need could someone else help with?
Your colleague can help by giving credit where it’s due.
They could loop you in on team communications or explicitly acknowledge your contributions.
How will I handle a ‘no’?
If they deflect or dismiss it, you might escalate the concern through appropriate channels (e.g., documenting or bringing it to your supervisor professionally).
You might shift how you collaborate with them, keeping boundaries clearer.
Remind yourself that asking for fair recognition is not petty—it’s a valid professional request.
When you’re ready, put your preparations into NVC and communicate:
Say what you see: “I’ve noticed a few times that after we brainstorm, some of my ideas are shared in team emails from you without my name attached.”
Say how you feel: “I’ve felt discouraged and honestly a bit disempowered.”
Name what you need: “I need recognition for my contributions, especially when I’m working hard to speak up more.”
Ask for what helps: “Would you be willing to loop me into those communications or name me when sharing an idea that came out of our conversations?”
Respond to them with:
Reflective listening: “So you were excited about the idea we talked about and wanted to get it out to the team quickly, so it didn’t cross your mind that I’d want to be looped in or credited?”
Validation: “I know it’s hard sometimes to slow down and sort out who contributed what when ideas are flying in conversation—I imagine you weren’t trying to leave me out.”
